FADE IN:

INT. CARMICHAEL ESTATE - STUDY

BUNNY (18), a sexy blonde in a short party dress perches on a
massive mahogany desk, casually blowing bubbles with her gum
and reading Vogue. THURSTON CARMICHAEL (93) nods in an old
wicker wheel chair. CONNIE (28), a voluptuous vixen in a
brief nurse's uniform, tucks a comforter around his legs,
takes his pulse and exits. JEEVES (50), in formal butler
livery, serves a healthy portion of Bourbon to TILLY (50).
THURSTON CARMICHAEL IV (26) sprawls in an overstuffed chair,
watching a game on a muted television and tossing popcorn
into the air which he catches in his mouth.

The DOORBELL CHIMES and JEEVES crosses to admit THURSTON
CARMICHAEL V (23) and COLLEEN (20). 

JEEVES
Master Thurston. Number Five. It's good
to see you again. It's been far too long.

THURSTON V
Thank you Jeeves. You're looking well.

JEEVES
Your father treats me most kindly.

THURSTON V
May I present my fiancée, Colleen.

JEEVES
It's a pleasure. Please make yourselves
at home. You'll find Number One resting
in the study.

Thurston V and Colleen enter the study. Tilly salutes them
with her glass of bourbon. Thurston IV waves lazily. 

THURSTON V
Mother, Bro.

TILLY
The prodigal son returns. And who's the
little chickadee?

THURSTON CARMICHAEL JUNIOR (65) enters and sternly takes
Tilly's glass.

THURSTON JUNIOR
Isn't it a bit early for that? 
(to Thurston V)
It's good to see you.

Thurston Junior warmly embraces Thurston V.

THURSTON V
I'd like you to meet my fiancée Colleen.

TILLY
Welcome to the asylum. I'm sure you'll
fit right in. 

HONEY (20), soaking wet with a body custom made for bikinis
and wearing a skimpy bikini custom made for her body runs in,
playfully pursued by THURSTON III (60), rakishly handsome and
silver-haired, with aristocratic looks and boyish energy,
wearing scuba fins and face mask. Bunny reads her Vogue and
blows bubbles, completely unaffected. Honey runs out, past
Jeeves, who enters carrying a brandy on a silver try.
Thurston III pauses to sniff the brandy appreciatively.

THURSTON III
Bring another to the pool area in five
minutes if you would, Jeeves.

JEEVES
Very good, sir.

Thurston III salutes the group with his empty glass and races
after Honey.

THURSTON V
My father.

Thurston Carmichael stirs.

THURSTON CARMICHAEL
Was that my son?

THURSTON V
Yes gramps. I'm glad you're awake. I want
to introduce you to my fiancée.

Thurston Carmichael takes a long appreciative look at
Colleen.

THURSTON CARMICHAEL
If you're smart, you'll keep her away
from Number Three.

Connie returns, having changed to an abbreviated bellhop's
outfit, and hands Thurston a cordless telephone. Thurston
speaks briefly into the phone before returning it to Connie
who then exits.

TILLY
(to Honey)
Why do you suppose Thirsty was chasing
your little playmate instead of you?

BUNNY
Because he already had me this afternoon.
Twice. 

TILLY
Slut.

BUNNY
He really is an incredible lover, if you
take the time to please him. Oh, I'm
sorry. I guess you tried, didn't you? So
many years ago.

TILLY
What do you know about love?

BUNNY
Not much. But I've forgotten more about
sex than you've ever known about love.

THURSTON JUNIOR
If you and your bikini-clad cohort think
you can worm your way into this family's
money ...

BUNNY
Worm? I've never heard it called worming
before. I guess some guys are snakes and
others ...

The DOORBELL rings.

THURSTON JUNIOR
For your information, I have retained the
services of a private investigator to dig
into your sordid past. Unless I'm sadly
mistaken, this is her now. 

Everybody turns as LEXUS "LEGS" JUSTICE (26) enters, a tall,
long-legged blonde, wearing a short trench coat, fedora,
sunglasses, stockings and high heels, all in black. She is
accompanied by ELVIS, a bodybuilder wearing posing trunks,
knee pads and training gloves who crawls around on all fours
at the end of a leash attached his dog collar. Thurston IV
takes sudden interest and abandons the game.

JEEVES
May I present Miss Lexus Justice.

LEXUS
Cut the formality. Friends call me Legs.

TILLY
I'll bet you have a lot of friends.

LEXUS
Sister, I've got a lot of everything.

THURSTON IV
Yeah? Why don't you get yourself a real
dog then?

Lexus grabs Thurston IV by his tie in a surprisingly powerful
grip and pulls him nose to nose.

LEXUS
Have you any idea how difficult it is to
find a good guide dog? Elvis here thinks
he's dog and he works for free. Don't
queer my scam.

Lexus turns away, but Thurston clasps a hand on her shoulder
and whispers in her ear. 

THURSTON IV
I guess that makes you a private eye
less, huh?

LEXUS
It beats being a private dick-less.

In a series of tight shots, Lexus tightens her mouth, Junior
grimaces and hunches his shoulders, Tilly pauses in mid-sip
to grimace, Jeeves grimaces as he plucks ice cubes from a
champaign bucket and drops them into a ice pack, Elvis
grimaces and covers his crotch. With his chin resting on
Lexus's shoulder, Thurston IV grimaces and mouths a series of
silent moans. Lexus relaxes her expression and Thurston IV's
head slides off Lexus's shoulder. 

Jeeves offers Thurston IV, who is doubled over in pain, an
ice pack on a silver tray, which he gratefully accepts.

THURSTON JUNIOR
Very impressive. 

LEXUS
So what's the caper?

THURSTON JUNIOR
(sneezes)
My question, precisely, and the question
I retained you to answer, not to ask.

LEXUS
I believe there also remains a little
question regarding my retainer.

Thurston Junior quickly drafts a check and hands it to Lexus.

THURSTON JUNIOR
And here are five thousand very big
answers to your little question.

Lexus holds the check out for Elvis to examine. He sniffs the
check, then yaps and begins licking her hand affectionately.

LEXUS
Elvis says your check is good.

TILLY
He can tell that by sniffing?

LEXUS
Best nose in Hollywood. Great at sniffing
out counterfeit bills. You should see
what he can do with his tongue.

THURSTON IV
I can do a thing or two with my tongue as
well. So, what's your sign? I'm a Virgo.

LEXUS
Aquarius.

THURSTON IV
Bummer. Still, I'm willing to take a
chance if you are.

LEXUS
Not in your lifetime, junior.

THURSTON JUNIOR
No, I'm Junior. He's Number Four ...
Thurston Carmichael the Fourth, my
nephew.

LEXUS
Is everybody in this family named
Thurston?

TILLY
Only the men.

LEXUS
Isn't that confusing?

TILLY
Not so confusing as calling everybody Mr.
Carmichael.

Connie enters, having changed into an abbreviated railroad
engineer's outfit, carrying an oil can with a long snout, 
oils the wheels of Thurston's wheel chair, then exits. 

THURSTON JUNIOR
Gramps married into money.

TILLY
Bushel baskets full of money. Mattresses
stuffed with twenties. C-notes stashed
away in the rafters. And that's not even
counting the stocks and bonds.

THURSTON JUNIOR
Alice Smythe-Witherspoon ...

TILLY
... of the Hampton Smythe-Witherspoons.

THURSTON JUNIOR
My mother. She died in childbirth.

TILLY
There were certain ambiguities in her
will ...

THURSTON JUNIOR
... which we were able to interpret ...

TILLY
Exploit.

Jeeves admits WALTER WAINWRIGHT, ESQ. (46). 

THURSTON JUNIOR
... to the family's advantage by naming
all her heirs after her beloved husband. 

Tilly makes an expansive gesture with a silver flask.

TILLY
It's all about Alice's will.

WALTER
Ah, yes. Alice's will. Walter Wainwright,
attorney to the Carmichael family.

LEXUS
Lexus Justice, private investigator.

THURSTON JUNIOR
I retained Miss Justice ...

LEXUS
Call me Legs.

THURSTON JUNIOR
... to do a thorough background check on
those two shameless floozies who have
been trying to fleece Number Three. 

WALTER
I can't imagine why you would bother. Let
Thirsty have his fun. 

Honey enters, having changed to a short party dress matching
Bunny's. 

HONEY
My philosophy, exactly. And believe me,
Thirsty has found happiness even money
can't buy.

TILLY
I'll bet he can rent it for the night.

Thurston III enters, having changed to a smoking jacket, and
takes a seat at the desk, slapping Bunny on her behind to get
her to move. 

THURSTON JUNIOR
You won't get away with this.

WALTER
Please, please. Can we settle down to the
business at hand?

THURSTON V
(sneezes)
Yes, why did you ask all of us here?

THURSTON III
I asked Walter to summon all of you here
tonight to inform you I am changing my
will, leaving the bulk of my estate to
Honey and Bunny, who have nurtured me
when I hungered, comforted me when I wept 
...

Bunny and Honey cuddle up next to Thurston III.

TILLY
... screwed you tightly when a screw was
loose.

THURSTON III
Yes, that too.

WALTER
Thirsty, I'll be happy to draft whatever
revisions you require, but it won't have
much effect. 

THURSTON III
Why not?

WALTER
Because, old boy, you don't actually have
any money. 

THURSTON III
No money? What? None at all?

WALTER
According to the accountant's last
report, a tad over four. 

THURSTON III
Million?

WALTER
Hundred.

THURSTON III
Four hundred dollars?

WALTER
If memory serves. And change.

Bunny and Honey ease away from Thurston III.

THURSTON III
You mean to tell me it's nearly all gone?

WALTER
Good lord no. The investments are doing
exceptionally well.

THURSTON III
How much?

WALTER
A tad over fourteen.

BUNNY
Million?

WALTER
Billion.

THURSTON III
Oh, good. You had me worried.

Bunny and Honey sidle up to Thurston III again.

WALTER
Oh, the money's there, alright. 

THURSTON III
Good, then I want to leave it all to
Bunny and Honey.

WALTER
It simply doesn't belong to you and isn't
yours to donate or bequeath. But you're
welcome to do whatever you like with your
personal assets.

BUNNY
The four hundred?

Walter nods. Tilly grins malevolently.

THURSTON III
But what about the matching Mazda Miatas
I gave them last week?

HONEY
Thirsty!?

WALTER
Not a problem. The expense fell easily
within your monthly allowance. You could
have given them BMW Z-3s had you chosen.

BUNNY
Thirsty!

THURSTON III
You asked for Miatas. I gave you Miatas.

BUNNY
You could have offered.

HONEY
Next month!

THURSTON JUNIOR
My point, exactly.

TILLY
Numbered Swiss bank accounts. A secret
vault in the basement.

WALTER
All I'm saying is the clothes, jewelry,
and cars are all charged against your
monthly allowance which is more than
adequate. You could easily support four
...

TILLY
Golddiggers?

WALTER
... companions if you so desired.

THURSTON III
Let's discuss this further some time
soon. 

HONEY
Thirsty!

BUNNY
Thirsty!

THURSTON III
But how are you paying their charge
accounts and such if I only have four
hundred dollars?

WALTER
Technically, the payments would be
considered gifts from Number One.

THURSTON JUNIOR
Ah, ha!

Connie enters, having changed to a sexy French maid's outfit,
carrying a feather duster and dusts a table near Thurston.

WALTER
I assure you, Number One carefully
reviews all disbursements. 

THURSTON III
All disbursements?

Walter nods solemnly. Thurston Carmichael stirs. A large
bulge rises beneath his comforter near his crotch.

THURSTON III (CONT'D)
Even that thing for the broken furniture
at the chicken ranch?

THURSTON CARMICHAEL
I was a young man once myself.

Thurston punctuates the comment by pinching Connie's butt
with an extending scissors devise used to pick up small items
(the source of the bulge beneath the comforter). Connie turns
in mock surprise, wags a reproachful finger at Thurston and
exits. It is clearly a familiar routine between them.

WALTER
It is Number One's wish that you enjoy
your youth as fully as possible.

Honey and Bunny plant simultaneous kisses on Thurston
Carmichael's cheeks.

BUNNY
Thanks for the cars, Number One.

HONEY
Thanks a million, Mister Billionaire.

THURSTON CARMICHAEL
I'll have to do that more often.

Bunny hops onto Thurston's lap in the wheelchair.

HONEY
Have you seen the M3 Roadster?

Honey thrusts a BMW sales brochure into Thurston's hands.

BUNNY
It has the same body as the Z3.

HONEY
With three-point-two liter engine, dual
exhaust, analogue gauges and custom trim.

BUNNY
And it's only a few thousand more.

HONEY
Maybe ten or twelve.

BUNNY
We could drop by the dealership tomorrow.

Bunny and Honey nod at each other conspiratorially. Honey
moves behind Thurston's wheelchair.

HONEY
Maybe even take one for a test drive.

Honey pushes Thurston around the room with Bunny on his lap.

TILLY
Then whose money is it?

WALTER
Under the terms of Alice's will, a trust
was established for the benefit of
Thurston Carmichael during his lifetime
with the remainder to benefit Alice's
direct descendents, Junior and his
progeny.

Bunny and Honey sidle up to Junior.

TILLY
So, when Gramps dies, Junior gets the
money?

COLLEEN
(to Thurston V)
And you get nothing?

THURSTON V
(shrugs)
What do I need with money? I'll have you.

THURSTON JUNIOR
All these sports cars are coming out of
my inheritance!

WALTER
Not quite. Junior and his family will
receive a fairly generous allowance from
the income on the trust during his
lifetime. But the principal, the fourteen
billion dollars, is to be divided among
his direct descendents on his death.

THURSTON III
But Junior doesn't have any children.

WALTER
It isn't too late to start a family.

HONEY
You can adopt me, sugar.

WALTER
That won't quite do. The estate is to be
divided among the surviving blood-line
descendents of Alice Smythe-Witherspoon.

Tilly clutches her throat and keels over dead amidst gasps
from the group. Elvis sniffs at her face.

LEXUS
Will somebody please tell me what just
happened here?

WALTER
Tilly Carmichael has had a stroke. 

Lexus grasps Elvis's collar and he leads her to Tilly's body.
Lexus checks her pulse, sniffs her breath and her flask. She
passes the flask under Elvis's nose for a second opinion.
Elvis growls.

LEXUS
This woman was poisoned. This is murder.

FADE OUT.

END OF SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

CARMICHAEL ESTATE - STUDY

WALTER
Jeeves, I believe I need a brandy. 

LEXUS
If I were you, I'd ask him to bring an
unopened bottle. 

WALTER
Jeeves is the trusted family butler.

LEXUS
My point exactly.

COLLEEN
Who would want to kill your mother? 

Lexus turns (away from Colleen) and addresses the far corner. 

LEXUS
Let's start with you. I'd like to know
where you were standing when Tilly died.

THURSTON IV
Probably not half so much as you'd like
to know where she's standing right now.

Elvis takes his leash in his teeth and tugs on it until Lexus
turns to face Colleen.

COLLEEN
Where I belong, at Thurston's side. The
fifth.

LEXUS
The poisoned fifth?

THURSTON CARMICHAEL
Has Number Five been poisoned?

THURSTON V
No gramps. It's Tilly.

THURSTON CARMICHAEL
You're not Tilly. I haven't gone senile.

THURSTON V
Tilly is dead, gramps.

THURSTON CARMICHAEL
I told her the drink would kill her.

LEXUS
Then you knew her flask was poisoned?

THURSTON CARMICHAEL
Any fool could see she was poisoning her
body with alcohol. 

LEXUS
I'm not just any fool.

THURSTON CARMICHAEL
Vodka for breakfast. Gin for lunch. Sour
mash for dinner. 

LEXUS
You follow her habits very closely.

THURSTON IV
Gramps is only awake about ten minutes a
day. He couldn't have killed my mother. 

LEXUS
Somebody did.

THURSTON III
Tilly was like a butterfly that flittered
from rose to rose.

THURSTON JUNIOR
Until she found herself caught in a
spider's web.

THURSTON III
I met her at a New Year's party here at
the mansion. She was radiant. I was
captivated. We flew to Belgium for an
impromptu vacation that very evening.
Number Four was born that fall and Number
Five the following year. But it didn't
last. After two years she left me and
married my brother. 

LEXUS
Did you realize you wife was cheating on
you when you married her?

THURSTON III
Preposterous.

LEXUS
Obviously, Thurston the Fourth is not
your son.

THURSTON III
Poppycock! I helped deliver the child.
Fourteen hours of labor and I was at her
side every moment. Tilly insisted on
natural childbirth. She wanted to embrace
the full experience of motherhood.

LEXUS
She may have ended the experience with
you, but it began in another's arms. 

THURSTON III
Rubbish.

LEXUS
Normal gestation is two-hundred-seventy
days. You didn't meet Tilly until New
Year's eve. Number Four is a Virgo, which
means he was born not later than the
twenty-third of September. If you were
the father, Number Four would be a Libra.

Thurston III bends over, pulls Tilly up by the collar and
slaps her hard across the face. 

THURSTON III
You lying bitch!

THURSTON JUNIOR
Don't you think it's a bit late for that?

THURSTON III
Stay out of this.

THURSTON JUNIOR
It is the body of my late wife you're
battering about.

THURSTON III
Yes, of course. You did steal her away
from me fair and square.

Honey and Bunny scratch Elvis's ears. He does bodybuilding
poses for them, then tries to hump Bunny's leg. 

THURSTON JUNIOR
She may have popped champagne corks with
you New Year's eve, but she kissed me
under the mistletoe Christmas day.

THURSTON III
Come to think of it, it was you who
introduced us. 

Connie enters dressed in black hot pants, white shirt, bow
tie and cummerbund serves Thurston an ice tea and exits.

THURSTON JUNIOR
If that's what you call it. I went to the
bar to get Tilly, my date, a mai tai and
returned to find the two of you had flown
off to Belgium.

THURSTON III
Ah, yes. My younger days when I was an
impetuous fool. Haven't done anything
like that in quite a while. 

BUNNY
I've never been to Belgium.

THURSTON III
It's lovely this time of year. I'll call
the airport and have them fuel the plane!

LEXUS
You can't leave now. Not with a dead body
lying on the floor.

THURSTON III
Surely you don't consider me a suspect.

COLLEEN
If Tilly was with Junior Christmas eve,
then he must be Number Four's father.

Thurston Junior clutches his throat and falls over dead.

COLLEEN (CONT'D)
I hope it wasn't anything I said.

LEXUS
Will somebody please tell me what just
happened?

JEEVES
It seems Junior has taken ill. Rather
more than ill, actually.

HONEY
He's dead. 

LEXUS
It's a good thing he paid me in advance.

COLLEEN
Shouldn't somebody call the police?

THURSTON III
That would probably be the polite thing
to do. Afraid there might be a bit of a
scandal, though. Murder, adultery, more
murder.

THURSTON IV
We could hire actors to play mom and
Junior for a few weeks while we establish
alibis and dispose of the bodies.

BUNNY
That sort of thing only works in those
insipid television detective shows.

WALTER
The police will have to be notified.

THURSTON III
You're a detective. If you can tie this
up before the police arrive, perhaps we
can avoid a scandal. 

WALTER
Yes, give the police a neatly wrapped
package and there will be no need for an
investigation. If you do it, we'll pay
you ten thousand dollars.

LEXUS
Fifty.

WALTER
Done.

LEXUS
Then get out your checkbook because I
have already solved this case.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

FADE IN:

CARMICHAEL ESTATE - STUDY

LEXUS
I may be blind, but my hearing is very
good. Shortly after I arrived, I
overheard Tilly say she wanted to tell
Number Four about his real father. 

COLLEEN
You mean Junior?

LEXUS
No, Four's father is none other than 
(pregnant pause)
Jeeves, the trusted family butler.

BUNNY
Then the butler did it?

HONEY
In any event, the butler did Tilly.

JEEVES
Preposterous.

LEXUS
Tilly didn't come to the spend the
holidays at the mansion with Junior. She
came to visit her high school sweetheart
who had recently been hired as butler. 

JEEVES
It's true. I offered her a job as cook.

Connie enters wearing a "got milk?" t-shirt with a chef's hat
and serves Thurston a freshly baked cookie hot off the cookie
sheet.

LEXUS
But Tilly wasn't satisfied with the life
of a servant, living in the shadow of
power and influence. She wanted it all.

JEEVES
She dumped me for Junior.

LEXUS
But Junior didn't move fast enough for
her. He treated her like a lady, not
moving in for the kill on his first date,
never imagining there would never be a
second date. 

BUNNY
Then she met Thirsty.

HONEY
We know how that goes.

LEXUS
Tilly was drawn to Number Three's raw
energy like a moth is drawn to the fire.
The flew to Belgium and Tilly realized
she was missing something.

COLLEEN
Her period.

LEXUS
She was already pregnant.

JEEVES
With Junior's baby. 

LEXUS
Not with Junior's baby, but with yours.
That is the secret Tilly wanted to
reveal. As long as Number Three was
cutting Junior out of his will, why not
reveal the identity of his real father?

THURSTON III
I've been raising your son as my own?

LEXUS
It was a horrible price to pay. Jeeves
was jilted by the woman he loved, but his
son would be set for life financially. 

COLLEEN
How sad.

LEXUS
But after forsaking his son, the plan was
about to backfire. Number Three was about
to cut Number Four out of his will. So
you decided to poison him before he could
change the will. But Tilly threatened to
spill the beans, so you first had to
silence her, which also gave you the
opportunity for a little payback for
jilting you.

JEEVES
Nonsense!

WALTER
But Thirsty isn't an heir to the estate.

LEXUS
But everybody assumed he was until
tonight. Jeeve's hasty plans were falling
apart. My revelation about Four's
astrological sign gave Jeeves an idea.
Everybody would think Number Four was
Junior's son, with one exception.

COLLEEN
Junior!

LEXUS
Exactly. Jeeves knew Junior hadn't scored
with Tilly Christmas eve, so he would
have to be silenced. Jeeves had already
armed himself with a second lethal dose
of poison, intending to take another
swing at Number Three and used it on
Junior.

HONEY
So Jeeves killed Junior for not screwing
his girlfriend.

BUNNY
Wait a second.

THURSTON III
Jeeves, you're fired.

JEEVES
Don't you think it's a bit late for that?

Jeeves gulps down the contents of a small vial and falls over
dead.

WALTER
Brilliant detective work, Lexus, or
rather Legs. 

LEXUS
I never found any dirt on Honey or Bunny,
but I did learn one interesting fact.
They both seem to be nieces of a
prominent local attorney. 

WALTER
Some matters are best kept in the family. 

LEXUS
I understand you have a second sister
whose twin daughters recently turned
eighteen.

WALTER
I'll send you a check tomorrow. Then I
shall have to compile a list of worthy
charities, since Junior left no heirs.

LEXUS
But Junior left one heir. Number Five is
Junior's son.

COLLEEN
You mean I'm engaged to a future
billionaire?

Honey and Bunny sidle up next to Thurston V.

LEXUS
Junior had a lot of allergies, didn't he?

THURSTON III
He was always sneezing.

LEXUS
As he did when he first sniffed my
perfume. His mother died in childbirth,
so couldn't nurse him and pass on her
immunities, which exacerbated his
condition. You inherited his allergies,
which is why you sneezed also when you
first met me.

THURSTON V
I thought it was the dog hairs.

ELVIS
(Growls)

Thurston V looks from Honey to Bunny, then breaks away from
them with difficulty to confront Colleen.

THURSTON V
You know, Colleen, I'm going to have to
take on a lot of responsibilities now for
the family. It may not seem that way, but
my father really needs me to be here,
especially with Junior and Tilly gone.
And Jeeves. What I'm trying to say is
that this is where I belong. Perhaps we
should postpone the wedding, just until
things settle down a bit.

COLLEEN
Don't worry about it, or me. I'm off to
Belgium with Number Three.

Colleen rips open her conservative dress like Superman,
revealing a sexy party dress like Honey's and Bunny's. She
leaps into Thirsty's arms, plants a kiss on his cheek and he
carries her off camera.

HONEY
Legs, you are way cool.

BUNNY
Any advice for a couple of aspiring
detectives?

LEXUS
Being a detective is fairly simple if you
remember a few basic rules. Everybody is
guilty of something. Crime doesn't pay,
but then neither do most of your clients.
And a dog ain't just man's best friend.

Elvis jumps up on Lexus enthusiastically, knocking her to the
floor on top of the three bodies and begins licking her face
affectionately.

LEXUS (CONT'D)
Elvis! Will you get off of me! Don't lick
my mouth! Aaaahgh! Doggie slobber! Elvis!

FADE OUT.

THE END