FADE IN:

INT. TODD'S BEDROOM - PRESENT - EVENING

Everything from the Danish modern furniture to the art on the
walls bespeaks a tasteful masculinity. Yet, there are subtle
signs of feminine encroachment. A couple of makeup cases
disrupt the immaculate surface of the dresser. A lacy
garment lies incongruously on the perfectly made bed. In the
corner of this bastion of masculinity, SHELLY, a buxom blonde
in her early twenties, sits astride an exercise bicycle,
furiously peddling to the beat of music which only she can
hear over her headphones. Reaching the end of her workout,
she breathes a sigh of relief, mops her brow with a towel and
tosses her personal cassette player on the mattress. She
climbs off the bicycle and begins undressing as she walks
into the bathroom. From the bathroom, the sounds of the
shower is heard as we hear the sound of TODD entering the
front door. From the bathroom door, Shelly tosses her workout
garments toward the open closet door. They fall short by
several feet. She shrugs and returns to her shower. Todd,
early thirties, enters with a package in expensive gift wrap
and a single red rose. His spirits are high. He carefully
arranges the package on the mattress and lays the rose across
the right- hand pillow. He picks up Shelly's tape player and
puts it in a drawer, then begins tidying the room. He puts
the cosmetics into a dresser drawer, tosses the soiled
garments into the closet and closes the door quietly behind
them. After giving the room a final visual inspection, he
departs. From the bathroom, the shower stops and Shelly
emerges at the door, drying herself with a towel.

SHELLY
Todd? Is that you?

Noticing the package, she approaches the bed and sits on the
mattress to inspect it. As she opens her present, she
notices the rose and picks it up to sniff it. She smiles and
lays the rose on the night stand. Returning to the package
she opens it to find a sexy, but elegant nightie. Smiling,
she collects the box and rose and heads toward the bathroom.
Todd returns with a chilled bottle of champagne and two
flutes, which he carefully arranges on the night stand. 
Noticing the missing gifts, he begins undressing, carefully
putting away the items from his pockets and arranging his
suit among the other suits in the closet. Reaching his
shorts, he dims the lights and turns to find Shelly framed in
the bathroom doorway, dressed in her new nightie and holding
the rose to her lips.

SHELLY (CON'T.)
Tell me, sailor, are you looking for a
good time?

Todd pauses to gaze at Shelly appreciatively.

TODD
My shipmates told me I might indulge in
some unusual pleasures here. They said I
should ask for a girl named Shelly.

SHELLY
Shelly is in great demand. She has many,
many fans. Devoted fans.

TODD
I will reward her generously for a few
hours of her time.

Shelly walks toward Todd with deliberately seductive
movements.

SHELLY
And just how generous are you prepared to
be?

Shelly slithers up to Todd and kisses him, then steps away
and pirouettes, displaying her new nightie, then leaps onto
the mattress, patting the left-hand side, inviting Todd to
join her.

SHELLY (CON'T.)
So, what's the occasion?

Todd sits on the edge of the mattress and begins uncorking
the champagne.

TODD
Today is the first day of the rest of our
sex life and I thought a celebration was
in order.

SHELLY
You're crazy. But, I love you.

Todd hands her a glass of champagne, which Shelly accepts,
kissing him on the cheek and sipping it before noticing his
silent toast.

TODD
No, really. Tonight I am going to make
love to you like we've never made love
before.

SHELLY
Todd, I've tried it and it hurts.

TODD
I'm not talking about that. I'm talking
about making love like making love is
supposed to be.

Todd yanks open the drawer to his night stand and pulls out
three open boxes of prophylactics.

TODD (CON'T.)
I'm talking about taking these damn
things and tossing them out of our love
life.

So saying, Todd carries the boxes to the window and tosses
them out onto the street below, watching them fall with a
satisfied grin. He returns to the bed and closes the drawer,
noticing a single rubber remains.

TODD (CON'T.)
Ooops, missed one.

So saying, he ceremoniously tears open the foil, removes the
rubber and inflates it like a balloon. Holding it aloft like
a magician about to perform a bit of prestidigitation, he
carries it to the window and releases it like a toy rocket.

SHELLY
Alright, I'm game. What did you get?

TODD
What do you mean?

SHELLY
Let's see it. You probably got something
really kinky like fluorescent orange,
glow in the dark, ribbed French ticklers.

TODD
No, you don't understand. I'm proposing
we commit to only truly safe approach to
sex: a strictly monogamous relationship.
And for my part, I've had a complete
checkup and I have absolutely no sexually
transmitted diseases.

SHELLY
Are you suggesting we stop using condoms
all together?

TODD
That's part of the idea.

SHELLY
I think I liked your butt fucking idea
better.

TODD
We can try that, too. Whatever you want.

SHELLY
I would really feel a lot more
comfortable if we continued to use
condoms.

TODD
And I might actually start to feel
something if we stopped. Didn't you tell
me just last night you wished we didn't
have to use condoms?

SHELLY
I said that because we have to use them.

TODD
But why? I'm the personification of safe
sex. I have a licence to fuck in any
language.

SHELLY
But that licence is only valid until your
next sexual encounter ... or mine.

TODD
But if all my encounters are with you and
all your encounters are with me, what's
the problem?

SHELLY
I agreed to live with you. I never
agreed to marry you.

TODD
Are you involved with somebody else?
Shelly turns away.

SHELLY
Ooooh, you are impossible!

TODD
Well, are you?

Shelly turns back to Todd and takes his face in her hands.

SHELLY
Yeah, I'm involved with somebody kind and
considerate, who treats me as an equal
partner and talks things over and doesn't
just spring things on me.

TODD
What the hell have we been talking about
all week?

SHELLY
Obviously, not the same thing. I never
said I wanted to stop using rubbers. 
With all the diseases going around, we
can't take the risk.

Todd rises in agitation, then turns toward Shelly.

TODD
Do you have some infection you haven't
told me about?

SHELLY
No, of course not.

TODD
Well, if you don't have anything and I
don't have anything, how the hell are we
going to infect each other?

SHELLY
That's not my only worry.

TODD
What is your only worry? Contraception? 
You know I had a vasectomy four years
ago. Which raises another question, why
are you still on the pill?

SHELLY
That is a private matter and none of your
business.

TODD
Oh, right. Your choice of the pill is
private, but my use of rubbers is a
committee decision.

Shelly stands up to face off with Todd.

SHELLY
God damn it, we aren't discussing
contraception, we're talking about
sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS,
syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes ...

TODD
Cut the crap. We're talking about
something more serious than V.D. We're
talking commitments. We've lived
together for nearly a year. Don't you
think it's time to make a commitment to
this relationship?

SHELLY
I'm committed to our relationship. I'm
just not committed to the relationship
you want to tie me to.

Shelly turns away in tears. Todd comes beside her, wraps an
arm around her shoulder and begins to nuzzle and kiss her
neck.

TODD
I'm sorry. I don't want to fight. Still
friends?

Shelly turns to Todd and nods her assent. Wiping her eyes,
she laughs in embarrassment and wraps her arms around his
neck. They kiss tenderly.

SHELLY
Could we just make love and talk about
this some other time?

TODD
I tossed out all my rubbers.

SHELLY
It's alright. I've got one in my purse. 
I've saved it for a special occasion,
like tonight.

Todd watches her retrieve her purse from the night stand and
fish out a foil-wrapped condom. Shelly offers it to him
sheepishly, her eyes still red from her tears.

TODD
And what are you doing with condoms?

SHELLY
Must you? Look, I don't have condoms, I
have one lousy condom. 
I've carried a condom in my purse since I
was seventeen, just in case.

TODD
In case of what? This condom is brand
new. It hasn't been in your purse since
you were seventeen.

SHELLY
Must you spoil the entire evening?

TODD
It hasn't even been in your purse since
you've known me. It's not even my brand.

SHELLY
Maybe they didn't have your brand.

Shelly pours herself another glass of champagne and takes a
healthy sip.

TODD
What happened to the condom you had in
your purse when you met me?

SHELLY
What do you think happened to it? I met
somebody on the bus and he fucked me in
the ass with it. It's none of your damn
business what happened to it.

TODD
How many men have you slept with since
you've lived here?

SHELLY
Men? Or do you want to know about the
women also?

TODD
How many lovers have you had?

SHELLY
In the past year, since meeting you?

TODD
Alright, for a start.

SHELLY
Only one.

TODD
Who was it?

Shelly sits on the bed, tired.

SHELLY
It was you, you idiot. You've been the
only one I've slept with, the only one
I've kissed, the only one I've wanted.

TODD
Really?

SHELLY
Really, truly, honestly. Now, will you
calm down and come to bed?

TODD
Do you still want to? Shelly smiles
weakly.

SHELLY
Could we just cuddle for a while?

TODD
Sure. Whatever you want.

Todd climbs into bed and takes Shelly in his arms. They relax
for a moment.

TODD (CON'T.)
What did happen to your condom?

SHELLY
You're impossible.

TODD
Hey, I was just curious.

SHELLY
We used it when we went hiking in Malibu
Creek, remember? And you got stung in
the butt by a bee?

TODD
It just goes to show, you can't protect
yourself against everything.

SHELLY
Then I had one of yours in my purse for
months until last week when I went for an
audition.

Shelly sits up and freshens her glass of wine.

TODD
I don't know if I like the sound of this.

SHELLY
No, it's funny. I get there and the
special effects guy is running around
frantically, looking for a rubber and
everybody is offering him all sizes and
shapes and colors, but nobody has what he
needs, except me. So I let him have
mine, well, yours, and the producer sent
somebody out to buy me a new one.

TODD
What type of movie were you auditioning
for?

Shelly sips her wine and thinks for a moment, recollecting.

SHELLY
I think they called it Revenge of the
Catholic High School Teenage Zombie
Cheerleaders from Beyond Infinity.

Todd looks at Shelly with incredulity.

SHELLY (CON'T.)
No, it was an old fashioned western. 
They use condoms for blood bags when they
don't want to use squibs.

TODD
So, they've finally found something the
damn things are good for. If you can't
use them for sex, use them for violence.

SHELLY
Come on, you've managed alright for the
past year.

TODD
Managed? As in employing resources
effectively to achieve a predefined
objective; or as in muddling through
despite oneself?

SHELLY
It hasn't been that bad, has it?

TODD
Sweetheart, it hasn't been that good. In
the words of that noted twentieth century
commentator and philosopher, Woody Allen,
sex is dirty, if you do it right. Sex is
supposed to be sweaty and sticky, not
immaculate and antiseptic.

SHELLY
You're one to talk about getting down and
dirty. I can't even leave a sweater on my
chair without you sending it out to be
dry cleaned.

TODD
I just like things tidy.

SHELLY
Except when it comes to sex. Then you
want to drench the sheets in sweat and
splash the walls with seminal fluids.

TODD
Sounds good to me. I love it when you
talk dirty. In fact I think I'm getting
excited right now.

Shelly turns toward Todd teasingly.

SHELLY
I still have that condom.

Todd lifts the sheet and addresses his penis.

TODD
What do you say, old buddy? Are you
ready to suit up?
(squeaky) voice)
Don't make me wear one of those things.
They're too tight and I can't breathe.
(normal) voice)
Sorry, good buddy, she's afraid you might
try to splash some sticky stuff on her.

Shelly shoves Todd's shoulder.

SHELLY
Cut that out.

Todd sits up again and addresses his penis.

TODD
(squeaky) voice)
No, we can't have that. Better for me to
squirt it against an impenetrable barrier
about a tenth of a millimeter from my
face. Then I can just hang around and
drown myself in it until you have time to
go to the bathroom and flush my best work
down the toilet.

Shelly begins tickling Todd, then kisses his chest,
progressing toward his abdomen as she speaks.

SHELLY
Perhaps I should have a word with your
impertinent little friend. I'll bet if I
ask him nicely, he'll beg you to put that
awful old rubber thing over him.

TODD
See? Even you admit they're awful. 
Can't we go without just once?

Shelly abandons her trail of kisses at Todd's navel.

SHELLY
I don't think that would be a very good
idea.

TODD
Have you ever made love without a condom?

SHELLY
AIDS and herpes were already big worries
by my first night.

TODD
So you've never actually felt a man
inside of you.

SHELLY
Todd, our sex life has been great. I
have no complaints.

TODD
But it could be so much better. I'm not
complaining. At least, not exactly
complaining, but do you realize we've
only made love twice twice? I mean,
there's only been two nights in the past
year we've made love twice.

SHELLY
We can make love twice or three times or
five times or as many times as you want. 
Just buy enough rubbers.

TODD
That's the thing. With rubbers if you
make love twice, you need two rubbers. 
You have to stop and cuddle for a moment,
then go and flush it and sponge off and
by then you're no longer excited and then
you get back and your partner is already
half asleep and by then you're completely
limp and you need a little while to rest,
by which time one or both of you is
asleep and it just doesn't happen.

Shelly resumes her assault on Todd's navel.

SHELLY
Then we can make love in the morning.

TODD
My last girlfriend didn't insist on using
rubbers, and lots of times we would just
keep going.

SHELLY
What, you just kept pumping away with all
that sticky stuff sloshing about?

TODD
Sometimes. Or I might pull out before
orgasm or we might try different
variations.

Shelly tosses herself back against her pillow in
exasperation.

SHELLY
Again with the sodomy! You really have an
anal fixation, do you know that?

TODD
Maybe I'm just a little more adventurous. 
Maybe you could be a little more
adventurous too.

SHELLY
I'm getting the distinct impression you
are not happy with our sex life.

TODD
Shelly, you are the best thing that has
ever happened to a miserable slob like
me. I want to be with you always. I'm
ready to swear never to look at another
woman. Let's get married.

SHELLY
I'm not ready for marriage. I have to
consider my career.

TODD
What's your career got to do with it? 
Are you afraid you won't get parts if
directors and producers think you aren't
available?

Shelly sits up and pours another drink.

SHELLY
That's cruel and unfair.

TODD
Is it? When you offered that producer
one of my condoms, did it maybe cross
your mind what he might think about a
single girl who carries rubbers around? 
Was that your subtle way of saying "I'm
available"?

Shelly abruptly slaps Todd and gets out of the bed.

SHELLY
If you're so suspicious, why do you want
to marry me? Or do you really want to
marry me or is it just an elaborate
scheme to avoid using rubbers?

TODD
You'd probably insist on using rubbers
even if we were married, because you're
afraid to let anybody really touch you.

Shelly storms to the closet and hurriedly begins changing to
a sweater and jeans.

SHELLY
If it's quite alright, I would prefer not
to spend this evening here with you.

Grabbing her purse, Shelly tosses the nightie in Todd's face
and storms toward the door. Todd retaliates by tossing the
rubber after her.

TODD
Don't forget your rubber, just in case.

SHELLY
Why must you be such a prick? I'm not
interested in casual affairs. I love
you, but I may not always love you. If I
meet somebody else, I want to be free to
explore that relationship without risking
or discarding what we have. I'm twenty
one. You're my third lover. How can you
expect me to make a lifetime commitment?

TODD
Stay with me tonight.

Shelly walks to Todd's bedside and kisses him affectionately
on the lips.

SHELLY
You want a woman who is both a wife and a
whore. I'm neither.

Shelly turns and walks away without looking back.

FADE TO BLACK.

THE END