FADE IN:



INT. LIVING ROOM

A comfortable beach house built fifty years earlier. 

LUCY, a Siberian husky, dozes in a patch of sunlight.

MINNIE, 50s, prim and elegant, dusts a collection of
framed images from the sixties showing a perky teenager
in various scenes with entertainers. 

BUNNY, Yorkshire terrier, sits among the picture frames.

Minnie takes a special moment to adjust the frame of a
picture showing the young girl embracing a young man with
a guitar, then takes Bunny and leaves.

JUSTIN, 20s, attractive girl-next-door, in a red bikini,
enters from beach with her fingers plugging her ears.

JUSTIN
I don't want to hear about it, I don't
want to talk about it and I don't want to
do it.

SANDY, who could easily be Justin's sister, enters
wearing an identically fashioned bikini in blue.

SANDY
It'll be fun.

JUSTIN
No, no, no!

SANDY
At least think about it. I don't want to
do this alone.

JUSTIN
The last time I thought about it, we
wound up driving half way to Nevada to
audition for some piece of cinematic
tripe called Switchblade Sluts.

SANDY
Okay, that was a mistake. I admit it. I
goofed. But at least we tried.

JUSTIN
The director was fourteen years old. What
business has a kid like that playing with
switchblades?

SANDY
Still, he was kind of cute ...

Justin looks at Sandy, aghast.

SANDY (CONT'D)
... for a kid.

JUSTIN
You should check these things out before
we drive all over the countryside.

SANDY
Then you'll do it?

JUSTIN
This is the absolutely last time.

GINO (O.S.)
(shouting)
We're losing the light.

SANDY
You go ahead. There's barely room in
there for one.

Justin goes down the hall toward the bathroom. 

TOMIKO, 26, wanders in reading Romeo and Juliet with
considerably more enthusiasm than dramatic insight.

TOMIKO
How camest thou hither, tell me, and
wherefore?

SANDY
Did you say something?

TOMIKO
No, I was just doing lines.

SANDY
Don't let Minnie catch you.
(beat)
Hi, I'm Sandy.

Sandy extends a hand in greeting which TOMIKO disdains.

TOMIKO
A quick shower should take care of that.

SANDY
I'll go see if the bathroom is free.

Sandy leaves. TOMIKO resumes her butchery of the bard.

TOMIKO
The orchard walls are high and hard to
climb, and the place death, considering
who thou art ...

Justin returns in a different bikini, combing her hair.

JUSTIN
Can we wear the red suits next, Gino?

TOMIKO
Thou knowest the mask of night is on my
face; else would a maiden blush bepaint
my cheek.

GINO, mid-30's, enters. a camera around his neck and
holding a light meter.

GINO
(shouting)
We're losing the light, people! I've got
three more outfits to shoot and then the
mermaid shot.

Nearly colliding with TOMIKO, Gino tilts up the play she
holds to read the cover.

TOMIKO
I'm trying out for the part of Juliet.

GINO
You're obviously not reluctant to bring
entirely new dimensions to the role.

TOMIKO
Do you think I should read it with more
of an Italian accent?

Caught off guard, Gino struggles for a diplomatic reply.

GINO
Do the stage directions call for an
Italian accent?

TOMIKO frowns and flips through the pages of the script.
Justin returns adjusting the top of her bikini.

JUSTIN
I really think this suit brings out the
color of my eyes.

Tomiko gives her a disdainfully appraising look.

TOMIKO
It almost brings out the color of your
nipples.

Justin gives Tomiko an icy stare. 

JUSTIN
Thanks.

GINO
What are you doing in that suit?

JUSTIN
I think we should shoot these suits next.

GINO
Malibu Bikini doesn't carry that line.

JUSTIN
Well, they should. It's really cute. And
I think it looks great on me.

Justin does a quick pirouette, modelling the suit.

GINO
But they're the client. They're paying
for these shots.

Sandy enters, dripping wet from her shower, a towel
wrapped around her, clutching a bikini top.

SANDY (O.S.)
Gino, you know I can't wear a small top.

JUSTIN
Could we do a couple of pictures in this
suit, just for my portfolio?

GINO
You don't even have a portfolio, Justin.

JUSTIN
If I had some pictures in this suit, I
might start one.

Minnie hustles in carrying a soft black case.

MINNIE
I'm leaving now. I'll be back on Tuesday.
I straightened out your towels for you so
they're all folded the same way. Look
after Lucy while I'm gone and ...

Minnie notices Justin's sand encrusted feet.

MINNIE (CONT'D)
you're tracking sand all over the carpet
I just vacuumed.

Minnie retrieves an upright vacuum cleaner and begins
sweeping the carpet, shooing everybody out of her way.

SANDY
I'm not tracking any sand. I just
showered.

MINNIE
No, but you're dripping water. Here, you
vacuum while I find a towel.

Minnie presses the vacuum cleaner onto Sandy.

GINO
(to Justin)
My landlady, Minnie.

MINNIE
Landlady?

GINO
Landlady, roommate, surrogate mother ...

MINNIE
... friend? What about friend. I'm the
best friend you could possibly have.

Gino gives Minnie a quick hug.

GINO
Bosom buddy, confidant ...
(sotto voce)
Marine Corps drill sergeant.

MINNIE
As if you didn't need it.
(to Justin)
You should have seen him when he first
moved in. But he's getting better. The
way he acts, dresses.

Minnie straightens Gino's collar.

GINO
My mommy used to dress me funny. Now
Minnie dresses me funny.

MINNIE
There is nothing wrong with dressing
nicely and nothing wrong with keeping my
home neat. I don't want my living room to
start looking like your room.

Gino coaxes Minnie toward the door.

GINO
Minnie, it's under control. It may not
look that way, but it really is. I'll
vacuum up all the sand, but I have a lot
of work to do and we need to shoot now
before I lose the light.

Gino prods Sandy and Justin toward the bathroom.

GINO (CONT'D)
And I need the two of you in the suits
they're paying me to shoot, while we
still have a little daylight.

MINNIE
Okay, but I'm leaving you in charge. Ask
your models to spray off their feet
before they track sand all over the
carpet. 

Minnie beckons Gino toward her. When he gets close, she
grabs his earlobe and shoves his nose into the carpet
like an errant puppy.

MINNIE (CONT'D)
Do you see this carpet? It's perfectly
clean because I just spent two hours
vacuuming. It is cleaner today than it
was when they installed it. Carpets don't
get any cleaner than this and I expect it
to be just as clean when I return.

Minnie releases Gino and retrieves her black bag.

MINNIE (CONT'D)
I'm taking Bunny with me. Make sure Lucy
has plenty of water and I'll see you in
three days. I expect this house to be
spotless when I return.

Minnie gives Gino a peck on the cheek and leaves.

TOMIKO
Ciao, signora. Arrivederci.

Justin approaches Gino eagerly.

JUSTIN
I'd really like to get a couple of shots
in this bikini.

GINO
Next time.

Sandy pulls a reluctant Justin toward the bathroom.

TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
Oh, swear not by the moon, the inconstant
moon, that monthly changes in her circled
orb, lest that thy love prove likewise
variable.

RANDALL, 60s, silver-haired former matinee idol, slips in
stealthily. 

He raises a cautionary finger to his lips requesting
silence, and steals to the hallway. 

He peers down the hall, listens intently, sniffs the air. 

Apparently satisfied, he shakes it off and straightens.

RANDALL
Has she left?

GINO
Only moments ago.

RANDALL
I need to do a little work and I wouldn't
want to disturb her unnecessarily.

Randall strides toward the door with newly discovered
confidence and admits DIRECTOR, CAMERAMAN with Arriflex,
SCRIPT SUPERVISOR, MAKEUP ARTIST and GAFFER. 

Bringing up the rear are two dramatically endowed hard
bodied blondes, BAMBI and CANDI. 

Sandy and Justin return in coordinated suits.

Randall leads the group toward the deck.

RANDALL (CONT'D)
This way.

JUSTIN
What's all the excitement?

GINO
Randall, Minnie's husband ... ex-husband.
He lives downstairs.

JUSTIN
Her ex-husband lives downstairs?

GINO
This place is like Shangri-la. Once you
come here, you can never leave, else you
become old and decrepit.

JUSTIN
So when did you leave?

GINO
I'll remember that.

Bambi and Candi linger to talk to Sandy.

BAMBI
I'm Bambi and this is my sister Candi.
Are you going to be in the picture too?

SANDY
What picture would that be?

BAMBI
Malibu Surf Sisters.

SANDY
Catchy title.

CANDI
It's for the Playboy channel.

TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
It is an honor that I dream not of.

GINO
She's rehearsing for Romeo and Juliet.

BAMBI
Wasn't that an English play?

Randall bursts back in, bristling with enthusiasm and
embraces Candi and Bambi.

RANDALL
Have you ever seen two more charming,
delightful, poised young ladies? And
they're sisters! I just can't believe so
much beauty and pulchritude and
femininity would be found in a single
family.

GINO
Certainly not in my family. We were all
pulchritude challenged.

RANDALL
The director is a good friend of mine and
I told him he could use the place as a
location for his new production, Surf
Sirens of Malibu.

CANDI
I thought it was Malibu Surf Sisters.

RANDALL
And so it shall be. Ladies, stardom
awaits.

Randall bustles Candi and Bambi toward the deck.

GINO
Good thing he arranged this while
Minnie's out of town.

TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
Amazing how that worked out.

GINO
Work on the accent.

TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
But to be frank and give it thee again.
And yet I wish but for the thing I have.

As TOMIKO exits, Gino clasps his hands in enthusiasm.

GINO
Let's get to it.

SANDY
We can't shoot now.

JUSTIN
No way. Not with all those people running
around the beach.

GINO
We'll just go down the beach a few
houses. They won't even see us.

SANDY
I think we should break and go get some
sushi.

JUSTIN
That sounds good.

GINO
We've only shot two rolls of film and you
want me to buy you sushi?

SANDY
Of course. Two Kodak rolls ought to be
good for a couple of California rolls.

JUSTIN
And some maguro, a little hamachi ...

SANDY
... hirami, anago ...

GINO
Masago with quail's egg?

Sandy and Justin wrinkle their noses.

SANDY
No way!

JUSTIN
Then you'll take us?

GINO
What happened to the Puritan work ethic?

SANDY
Of course he'll take us. He's just being
a meanie.

Sandy leads Justin toward the bathroom.

GINO
Can we at least schedule a time to finish
this project?

DAVID, 29, enthusiastically neurotic, makes a beeline for
Gino, his eyes fixed on the exiting girls.

DAVID
You didn't tell me you were going to have
babes over today. You never said
anything. Not a single word.

GINO
Funny how that works out.

DAVID
So what? Were you shooting on the beach?

GINO
That might explain the bikinis.

DAVID
Did Sandy get naked?

GINO
What do you think?

DAVID
Sandy naked? I can't believe it. Sandy
never gets naked and she has the most
perfect body. It's like a Greek statue
except hers is all flesh and bones.
Better than a Greek statue, with goose
bumps and everything.

GINO
The water was a little cold.

David shivers in empathy, his imagination running wild.

DAVID
So, you need somebody to hold reflectors
or something? I could stand around with a
towel in case they get wet. Or if you
want them wet, I could spray them with a
squirt bottle.

GINO
I think we're calling it a wrap. Too many
pedestrians.

Candi and Bambi hurry in giggling, pulling off their
tops. David watches, mouth agape.

DAVID
Did you see that ... I mean those?

GINO
Bambi and Candi.

DAVID
How many babes have you got here?

GINO
Those are Randy's, not mine. They're
shooting a Playboy video out back.

David heads for the deck with nervous, agitated motions.

DAVID
So are there more babes back there?

GINO
No, I think Bambi and Candi are the
entire cast.

DAVID
Oh wow, too bad. Still with Bambi and
Candi, what more do you need. I mean,
they're fantastic! Did you see those
bodies? And those, those ...

GINO
Breasts?

DAVID
Yeah. I mean they really had a pair. Or
two pair. But you've got a full house.
Still, it would be nice to have a redhead
also. I mean blondes are nice, but maybe
just one redhead for variety. Then you'd
have four blondes and a redhead.

GINO
Sandy and Justin aren't part of the
Playboy video.

DAVID
But they should be. Man did you see those
two? Those four? Those eight. I mean wow.
If you only had a redhead, then there'd
be ten and you'd really have a full
house. Or four of a kind and a joker.
Five of a kind. What does five of a kind
beat?

GINO
I don't know. I never play with jokers.

DAVID
Oh I do. I always do now. Ever since
somebody told me I was losing all the
time because I wasn't playing with a full
deck. So I put the jokers back in.

GINO
I'm not much of a poker player.

DAVID
You should be. You could have a really
great game of strip poker with those
four. Even without a redhead. Still a
redhead would be nice too. I'm not
knocking redheads.

GINO
Calm down Dave. I think you need a cold
shower.

David makes some agitated gestures toward the bathroom.

DAVID
You think I should? Maybe they need
somebody to wash their backs?

GINO
I don't think so.

DAVID
Everybody has babes here except for me.

GINO
Funny how that works out.

DAVID
Maybe I should just go and stand in line.

David heads for the bathroom, but Gino catches him and
spins him around back into the living room.

DAVID (CONT'D)
They always pick the wrong days to call
me in for auditions.

GINO
So how did the audition go?

DAVID
It went good. I mean they never tell you,
but I think it went good. He had me read
lines with this babe. I think he liked
her more than me.

GINO
That's hard to believe.

DAVID
But it went good. Hey, that's somebody
you should shoot. She was a real babe.
Not anything like Sandy, though. 

Dave pulls Gino off to the side for a quiet man-to-man.

DAVID (CONT'D)
So, you think it would be alright if I
kind of hung around here today?

GINO
Dave, you live here.

DAVID
Yeah, but you know what I mean. With the
babes and all.

GINO
Knock yourself out.

Sandy and Justin return, having changed into summer
dresses.

SANDY
Are you ready?

JUSTIN
A tough day of modelling has left me
hungry.

GINO
Maybe I should take you to the all you
can eat place.

SANDY
No way. After all the work we did, you
have to take us someplace nice.

GINO
Two rolls of film.

JUSTIN
Yes, but they were good ones.

GINO
I guess I'd better put my camera away.

Gino exits.

DAVID
No more pictures today?

SANDY
Too crowded.

DAVID
You should see if you can get into the
video they're shooting.

JUSTIN
Yeah, right. Did you see those two? They
make me look like a little boy.

DAVID
No way.

Bambi and Candi walk through wearing the skimpiest
bikinis imaginable.

JUSTIN
See what I mean?

David is fixated. 

Sandy waves her hand in front of his eyes.

SANDY
He's in a trance.

DAVID
Kill me now.

JUSTIN
Did you ever wish you could freeze one
moment in time?

DAVID
The one perfect moment ...

SANDY
... which could last an eternity ...

JUSTIN
and you would just be happy?

SANDY
Just living that one moment ...

DAVID
... over and over again ...

JUSTIN
... for all eternity.

David charges off after Bambi and Candi.

Minnie returns carrying Bunny's pet carrying case.

MINNIE
Where's Randall? I cannot believe this. I
get a quarter of a mile down the road and
my car quits.

Minnie hands the case to Sandy.

MINNIE (CONT'D)
Here, can you watch Bunny for me? I have
to find Randall.

Minnie heads down the hallway as Gino returns. 

Sandy and Justin fawn over Bunny.

GINO
This could prove interesting.

Randall enters, carrying the skimpy bikinis.

SANDY
Minnie is looking for you.

JUSTIN
Her car broke down on PCH.

Randall thrusts the suits into Justin's hands.

RANDALL
Here, pretend these are yours, I'd better
get the camera crew out of sight before
Minnie has a fit.

GINO
What about the girls who were inside
those suits?

RANDALL
Pretend they're yours.

Randall heads back toward the deck. TOMIKO returns.

TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
What say you? Can you love the gentleman?

JUSTIN
I think that's Lady Capulet's line.

TOMIKO looks at her script.

TOMIKO
Ah, so ... 
(looking at Justin's breasts)
... round eyes.
(Italian accent)
I'll look to like if looking liking move;
But no more deep will I endart mine eye
than your consent gives strength to
make it fly.

GINO
How you gonna keep her down on the farm
once she's seen Paris?

JUSTIN
That was pretty bad, Gino.

SANDY
(cuddling Bunny)
Didn't somebody promise us sushi?

A topless Bambi explodes into the room, chased by Candi,
playfully swinging a cat-o'-nine-tails at her.

GINO
Let's wait a bit. Things are about to get
very interesting.

Minnie enters carrying a portable phone handset.

MINNIE
Does anybody know where Randy is? He's
not answering his telephone.

GINO
I told him your car broke down. He may
have gone to look at it.

MINNIE
(holds up car keys)
Oh, good. I'd better take him the keys.

Minnie heads for the front door.

JUSTIN
That wasn't exactly true.

GINO
It wasn't exactly false.

DOORBELL. Sandy admits PRODUCTION ASSISTANT wheeling two
huge cases of instant mashed potatoes on a hand cart.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Where they'd set up the snow machine?

SANDY
Snow machine?

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
There you are. We need you on the deck.

The Director enters and points the Production Assistant
toward the beach.

JUSTIN
Snow on the beach?

The Director frames Justin with his outstretched palms.

DIRECTOR
Yes, exactly. With this scene I will
convey the duality of life on the beach,
a visual metaphor for the duality of the
relationship between twins. 

The Director wraps arms around Sandy and Justin.

DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
The quintessence of the human condition,
the purity of snow against alabaster
skin, the progression of seasons
distilled through time lapse photography.
It will be the finest expression of my
visual artistry, the mise en scène which
shall define my creative direction for
the next decade.

The director strides out, totally absorbed in himself.

TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
What devil art thou that dost torment me
thus? This torture should be roared in
dismal hell.

JUSTIN
What's with the accent?

TOMIKO
It's an Italian play.

JUSTIN
Romeo and Juliet is not an Italian play.

Sandy affects a British accent and aristocratic airs.

SANDY
It's a totally British play about
Italians.

JUSTIN
Anyway, Verona is in the north of Italy
and that accent sounds more like Rome or
even Palermo.

David rushes in excitedly and pulls Gino aside.

DAVID
I cannot believe this. Those two, those
models with the big, the big, the
enormous ... they're right outside there,
on my beach and they're totally,
completely ... they're wearing nothing.
They're on my beach, right out back,
wearing absolutely nothing. I cannot
believe this. Naked babes, more than
babes, superbabes, on my beach. I mean
here, right here in back. Naked.

Minnie enters from the street. 

MINNIE
What's this I hear? You two better not be
naked on our beach. If you're going to
get naked, take it down the beach a
couple of houses so I don't hear
complaints from the neighbors. Now where
is that Randall? He wasn't at the car.

GINO
Did you check the garage? He may have
stopped for his tools.

MINNIE
I'm giving him another call. Where did I
put my telephone? Will somebody please
call me so I can find the telephone?

SANDY
Dave, why don't you give Minnie a call so
her phone will ring?

David makes frantic gestures toward the deck.

DAVID
I've got to get back. They were only
breaking for a moment. They said they
would only be a moment and then they
would be right back. I said I would be
there.

Dave beats a hasty retreat to the deck.

SANDY
I'm sure they wouldn't want to start
without you.

Director enters, shoulders and hair dusted with potato
flakes, covering his face in anguish, followed by Randy,
restraining laughter, carrying the cat-o'-nine-tails.

DIRECTOR
All is lost. It is a disaster.

Sandy and Justin look at Randall, shaking his head sadly.

RANDALL
Not a pretty sight. The ocean spray and
potato flakes did not mix well.

All eyes turn toward the deck.

TOMIKO
(cockney accent)
O God, I have an ill-divining soul!
Methinks I see thee, now thou art below,
as one dead in the bottom of a tomb.
Either my eyesight fails, or thou lookst
pale.

Bambi and Candi enter, their naked bodies caked with
instant mashed potato mix.

BAMBI
(fighting tears)
You promised I'd be beautiful.

CANDI
Elegant and tasteful. 

RANDALL
Did I say tasteful?

CANDI
Your words.

Randall drops the cat-o'-nine-tails on the sofa and opens
his arms to embrace Bambi and Candi. 

BAMBI 
Where's the shower?

CANDI
I need a shower like I've never needed a
shower in my life.

Just as he is about to enfold them in his arms ... 

MINNIE (O.S.)
Randall!

Randall jerks away as if shocked by a cattle prod.

RANDALL
Uh, oh.

GINO
Sandy, why don't you hustle Bambi and
Candi downstairs. Hose them off and stick
them in Randy's shower.

Gino and Randy hustle the girls out and turn to see
Minnie enter with her portable telephone handset.

MINNIE
There you are!

RANDALL
Where else would I be, but here when you
need me, former wife and love of my life?

MINNIE
Thank goodness. My car broke down and ...

Minnie's fixes on the potato flakes on the carpet.

MINNIE (CONT'D)
... what have you done to my floor? I
just vacuumed!

Minnie grabs the vacuum cleaner and begins cleaning as
Lucy, the Siberian husky, enters.

GINO
I was just about to take care of that.
Here, I'll vacuum and you and Randall can
go look at the car.

Gino tries to wrestle the vacuum cleaner from Minnie.

Lucy sniffs at a clump of mashed potatoes on floor.

MINNIE
What is Lucy sniffing at? What is that on
the floor?

Lucy eats the potatoes.

RANDALL
It must have been crumbs from the
sandwich I ate earlier.

MINNIE
It looked like mashed potatoes. What are
mashed potatoes doing on my clean carpet?

Randall dangles his car keys enticingly as he gently
steers a recalcitrant Minnie toward the door.

RANDALL
Why don't you take my car and I'll wait
for the auto club?

Candi appears at the door, dripping wet, holding a towel
over her bare bosom. Minnie doesn't see her.

Randall grasps Minnie and turns her away from the door.

Candi gestures toward the cat-o'-nine-tails.

Randall inhales deeply, savoring Minnie's fragrance.

RANDALL (CONT'D)
Your perfume.

Candi approaches the sofa.

Randall smoothly lowers Minnie into a tango dip.

RANDALL (CONT'D)
It reminds me so of Paris.

As Randall kisses Minnie, he deftly takes the cat-o'-nine
tails and flings it behind him in a high arc.

Candi, clutching the towel in one hand, catches the cat
o'-nine-tails and scurries out.

Randall and Minnie break apart. 

Minnie seems momentarily stunned, then winds up and slugs
Randall in the jaw, sending him reeling.

MINNIE
May I remind you, we are still divorced.

Minnie fishes a compact from her purse and powders her
nose. Her entire mood and bearing have changed. Now she
is walking on sunshine. Her voice is soft and gentle. She
gives Gino a quick peck on the cheek.

MINNIE (CONT'D)
I want that carpet clean when I return.
And don't let Lucy eat anything but the
scientific diet her vet prescribed. And
no nudity on my beach.

David enters from the deck.

Minnie grabs the empty black bag and leaves.

Gino gives Randall a high five.

GINO
Way to go, dude!

TOMIKO
(cockney accent)
That is no slander, sir, which is a
truth; and what I spake, I spake it to my
face.

Gino pulls David aside.

GINO
Why don't you help Tomiko with her lines?

Dave becomes agitated, looking about suspiciously.

DAVID
I really can't.

GINO
Dave, you're an actor. This is
Shakespeare, the epitome of acting, the
goal to which all actors aspire.

DAVID
Yeah, but I'm in the union.

GINO
Great! You can give her some pointers.

DAVID
But she isn't rehearsing for a union
production. I could get into serious
trouble working on a nonunion production.

GINO
Dave, you're not going on tour with her,
just helping her prepare for an audition.

DAVID
Yeah, but they're very strict. You don't
know how hard it is to get into SAG. It's
every actors goal. And I got in because I
was in this commercial, well, it never
aired, but I was in it, so I became
eligible, so of course I joined
immediately, which also made me eligible
to join AFTRA. And you don't know how
hard some actors work to try to get in
the unions and I'm already in, even
though I haven't been in anything yet,
not anything that has aired, but that's
the goal of every actor in Hollywood, to
be in the unions.

GINO
I thought your goal was to act. To
entertain people. To bring a moment of
levity to their otherwise dreary lives.

DAVID
It is? Of course, that's what it is.

GINO
Dave, you haven't acted in months. You
haven't been cast in anything since you
moved to California a year ago. Here's
your chance to play Romeo and Friar
Lawrence.

DAVID
No, I might get into trouble. You don't
know how strict they are. I heard about
this girl. Somebody in my acting class
knows her brother, and she did a nonunion
job and they caught her.

GINO
So what happened?

DAVID
It was like one of those, what do you
call it when they sit you down and shine
a bright light in your face and ask you
questions?

GINO
An interrogation?

DAVID
Yeah, right. Only worst.

GINO
Was Torquemada there?

DAVID
Who?

GINO
Tomás de Torquemada, the grand
inquisitor.

DAVID
All the big wigs were there.

GINO
Did she recant? Confess to heresy?

DAVID
They were really strict. They had her in
there for like fifteen minutes and told
her in no uncertain terms not to ever do
it again or they might have to get really
strict. Really, really strict.

GINO
Sounds pretty serious.

DAVID
You don't want to mess with the union.

GINO
What if we don't tell them?

David clamps hand over Gino's mouth, looking furtively in
either direction.

DAVID
(sotto voce)
They have spies everywhere. It wouldn't
do any good.

GINO
Dave, why are you paying them all that
money for dues and initiation fees?

DAVID
So I can work as an actor. If you want to
work as an actor, you have to be part of
the union.

GINO
But all they're telling you is you can't
work.

DAVID
No, you don't understand. I don't want to
talk about it. I can't do it. I'll get
into trouble.

David beats a hasty retreat.

Sandy (cuddling Bunny) and Justin return. Randall and
Director wander back in.

SANDY
They should be ready in a few minutes.
Your makeup artist is giving them a quick
once over, but the hair could take time.

DIRECTOR
I am ruined! This was to be my entry
ticket into Playboy.

JUSTIN
I thought you said it was for Playboy.

DIRECTOR
It is, of course. It is for Playboy to
consider.

RANDALL
Well, you're going to have to come up
with something else.

DIRECTOR
I'm out of mashed potatoes anyway.

JUSTIN
Probably a good thing.

GINO
You'd better hurry. There's not much
sunlight left.

DIRECTOR
All is lost. I spent everything I had to
rent the equipment and hire the crew.

SANDY
I've got an idea! Why don't you do a
mermaid shot?

GINO
Sandy!

JUSTIN
That would be perfect. Then you wouldn't
have to wait for them to dry their hair.

SANDY
Gino just bought this really nice
fisherman's net with cork floats and
everything.

JUSTIN
We were going to use it for a shot today
... but then you showed up.

Gino draws Sandy aside.

GINO
I really think I should be the first to
use my brand new net.

SANDY
Oh, it will be fine. You can throw it in
the washer. They're meant to get wet.

GINO
But he's like the competition. He's using
my beach, my net and my ideas to get his
stuff into Playboy.

SANDY
He's a guest. You should treat him nice.

DIRECTOR
Of course, the legend of the Loreli.
Mythic sirens luring sailors to their
doom. The duality of life on the ocean.
Fishermen casting their nets to trap the
mermaids, while the mermaids ensnare the
fishermen in nets of desire.
(beat)
But who will be my fisherman?

All turn toward David.

DAVID
You want to cast me in your movie? With
Bambi and Candi, those two with the big
... the enormous ... the, the, the talent
to go all the way. Well, not all the way
as in all the way all the way, but all
the way in a nice way. I can't believe
this! Me starring in a movie with Bambi
and Candi. Do you want to hear a
monologue? I'll get you a copy of my
résumé. Do you want see my reel?

DIRECTOR
Yes, no, no, no. I don't need to see your
reel. I just need to know can you do it?

DAVID
Is it union?

All shoulders fall and all eyes turn toward Randall who
raises his hands in surrender.

RANDALL
I'd love to help you out, but I can't do
anything without my agent's approval.

All eyes turn toward Gino who backs away.

GINO
I'm not an actor!

JUSTIN
You don't have to be.

SANDY
You just have to be somebody who's not in
the union.

GINO
No wonder actors are eager to join the
union, so they don't have to do these
things.

JUSTIN
Come on, you'll be great.

GINO
Among the three of us, you're the two who
belong on the Playboy channel.

SANDY
But you're the one Destiny has chosen.

GINO
What's my mother going to say when she
sees me on the Playboy channel?

JUSTIN
Your mother doesn't watch the Playboy
channel.

GINO
You haven't met my mother.

SANDY
Come on, let's see if we can find
something for you to wear.

RANDALL
I've got an old straw hat he could
borrow.

Randall heads off to get his hat. Sandy (with Bunny) and
Justin drag a reluctant Gino out.

TOMIKO
(cockney accent)
Ay, those attires are best; but gentle
nurse, I pray thee leave me to myself
tonight.

DAVID
Wow. Great accent. Did you get a tape or
something? I wish I could do accents.
There are so many roles which require an
accent. I could be acting right now if I
could do an Australian accent, I saw this
casting notice. I would have been perfect
for it, but they wanted an accent.

Minnie enters, frantic, holding an empty black bag.

MINNIE
Bunny is missing! I reached over to pet
him and the bag was empty.

DAVID
Oh, no. Sandy has Bunny.

MINNIE
Thank God! I don't know what I would do
if anything happened to my little Bunny.
I named him after Bugs, you know.

Minnie heads off down hallway, leaving Justin perplexed. 

Bambi and Candi enter, wrapped in bath towels.

BAMBI
Has anybody seen our bikinis?

DAVID
Here they are, on the sofa. They're so
small, they're easy to miss. But not when
they're on you, of course. On you they're
hard to miss. You're hard to miss.

Bambi and Candi each take a bikini, smiling sweetly and
exit.

CANDI
Thank you sugar.

DAVID
Any time.

Sandy (holding Bunny) and Justin enter with a flourish.

SANDY
And as we approach the new resort wear
season ...

JUSTIN
... the well-dressed fisherman will wear
...

SANDY
... this sporty ensemble by Calvin Klein
...

JUSTIN
... with accessories by Armani. Note the
stylish designer fishing net.

Gino enters, wearing white duck jeans, a canvas shirt,
huarache sandals and straw hat, dragging a fishing net.

GINO
Let's just get this over with.

SANDY
Maybe if you catch an albacore, you won't
have to buy us sushi.

JUSTIN
We can make our own. I do a wicked
futomaki.

GINO
Dave, can you get me some enrollment
forms for the union or something?

Minnie returns.

MINNIE
There you are. You naughty, naughty boy.

GINO
I had absolutely nothing to do with the
mashed potatoes.

MINNIE
I was talking to Bunny.

SANDY
No, he was a darling.

MINNIE
Gino, why are you dressed like that? I
thought you were taking Sandy and Justin
out for sushi.

GINO
We decided to try to catch our own.
Justin makes a wicked California roll.

MINNIE
Well, be careful what you eat out of the
ocean. And remember, absolutely no nudity
on my beach. I know everything that goes
on here. You can't get away with anything
without my finding out about it.

Minnie leaves cuddling Bunny.

Bambi and Candi enter wearing bikini tops fashioned from
sea shells.

BAMBI
What do you think?

SANDY
Very fashionable.

JUSTIN
Very chic.

DAVID
Very, very, very ...

TOMIKO
Very minimalistic.

CANDI
Let's do it!

Candi and Bambi playfully grab edges of the net and
wrapping it around Gino, drag him toward the deck.

DAVID
This I have to see. My roommate with two
superbabes on my beach for the Playboy
channel. I can't believe it. That
could have been me, if only it was a
union production.

David heads for the deck.

TOMIKO
(cockney accent)
Art thou gone so, my lord, my love, my
friend?

SANDY
What's with all the weird accents? Is
this some experimental theater thing?

TOMIKO
You said this was a British play.

SANDY
Just deliver the lines normally.

Justin glances at the script and does a very credible
spontaneous reading.

JUSTIN
Like this: Wilt thou be gone? It is not
yet near day. It was the nightingale, and
not the lark, that pierced the fearful
hollow of thine ear. Nightly she sings on
yond pomegranate tree. Believe me, love,
it was the nightingale.

TOMIKO
That was really good. Where did you learn
to do that?

SANDY
Shakespeare has a rhythm, a flow.

JUSTIN
Never force it.

TOMIKO
Hey thanks.

Tomiko exits.

SANDY
Well, we've got another hour of sunlight.

JUSTIN
Want to catch some tan?

SANDY
Let's borrow a couple of Gino's bikinis.

JUSTIN
Why bother? Minnie's not here.

SANDY
But Dave is.

JUSTIN
Right.

Sandy and Justin exit.



INT. RANDALL'S JACUZZI - NIGHT

Candi and Bambi slip out of fluffy towels and climb into
the Jacuzzi, where Randall sits sipping champagne.

BAMBI
Oooh, this is perfect.

Randall hands each a flute which he fills with a
flourish.

RANDALL
Ladies, a toast to a successful shoot.

CANDI
And we owe it all to you, Randall. Thanks
for your hospitality.

BAMBI
And for introducing us to your director
friend.

CANDI
If only there were some way we could show
our gratitude.

RANDALL
The pleasure of your company is
compensation enough.

BAMBI
You are such a smooth talker, Randall.

RANDALL
May I also say you both looked radiant
for the camera, but not half so radiant
as you look right now.

BAMBI
This little voice tells me I had better
be careful with the bubbly around you..

CANDI
I think I hear it too.

Randall refreshes their champagne.

RANDALL
Whatever you do, don't listen to it.



INT. SUSHI RESTAURANT

The MAITRE D'HÖTEL greets Gino, Sandy and Justin and
leads them to a table.

MAITRE D'
Are you a movie producer? Director?

GINO
No, nothing like that.

MAITRE D'
How do get dates with two such beautiful
women?

GINO
Actually they asked me out.

The maitre d'hôtel gives Sandy and Justin a surprised,
appreciative look. They nod in affirmation.

MAITRE D'
If you ladies like Asian men, you can ask
me out anytime.

GINO
I'll bet you're an actor when you aren't
working here.

MAITRE D'
Can you tell? Perhaps you have a role for
an Asian leading man?

GINO
It may be a stretch for you, but do you
think you could act like a waiter for a
while? Because I really need a tall
Sapporo draft. In fact, can we have tall
ones all around?

MAITRE D'
I'll send your waitress directly.

The maitre d'hôtel bows curtly and leaves.

JUSTIN
You are so very lucky to have such
wonderful roommates.

GINO
Lucky? Is that like saying my roommates
are unfortunate
to be stuck with me?

SANDY
Minnie's a sweetheart and she really
cares about you.

JUSTIN
She even folds your towels.

GINO
My towels were already folded. Minnie
refolded everything to look like some
sort of department store ad.

JUSTIN
What's wrong with that?

GINO
Now she expects me to keep them folded.
(beat)
Maybe I'll buy a whole new set of towels
and leave the old ones folded just the
way Minnie likes.

SANDY
You could do a whole lot worst.

GINO
I could have David and Tomiko for
roommates.

SANDY
They seem nice. Maybe a little eccentric.

GINO
Actors are positively the worst roommates
in the world.

JUSTIN
It can't be any worst than trying to live
with Sandy.

GINO
They never have jobs.

JUSTIN
Same with models.

SANDY
You can't be tied down to a nine-to-five.
You need flexibility for auditions.

GINO
They're hopelessly insecure.

JUSTIN
Sandy spends two hours getting ready to
go to the grocery store.

SANDY
When everybody is watching you all the
time you have to look your best.

GINO
David spends three hours getting ready to
go to bed. 
(beat)
Alone.

SANDY
What would you do without Dave and Tomiko
to make your life more interesting?

GINO
I'd take the money I spend on therapy and
invest it in the stock market, become
rich, buy my own place on the beach, and
not tell them where I'd moved.

JUSTIN
I think you secretly like your roommates,
you just won't admit it.

GINO
Still it's nice to get away.

SANDY
(distantly)
What do wannabe actors do for money when
they're not acting in commercials?

GINO
Usually they get jobs serving tables or
bartending. Why?

A kimono clad waitress approaches the table carrying a
tray with three beers.

TOMIKO
Hello, I'm Tomiko and I'll be your
waitress tonight.



FADE OUT.





THE END