FADE IN:
INT. TODD'S BEDROOM - PRESENT - EVENING
Everything from the Danish modern furniture to the art on
the walls bespeaks a tasteful masculinity. Yet, there are
subtle signs of feminine encroachment. A couple of makeup
cases disrupt the immaculate surface of the dresser. A
lacy garment lies incongruously on the perfectly made
bed.
In the corner of this bastion of masculinity, SHELLY, a
buxom blonde in her early twenties, sits astride an
exercise bicycle, furiously peddling to the beat of music
which only she can hear over her headphones.
Reaching the end of her workout, she breathes a sigh of
relief, mops her brow with a towel and tosses her
personal cassette player on the mattress.
She climbs off the bicycle and begins undressing as she
walks into the bathroom. From the bathroom, the sounds of
the shower is heard as we hear the sound of TODD entering
the front door.
From the bathroom door, Shelly tosses her workout
garments toward the open closet door.
They fall short by several feet.
She shrugs and returns to her shower.
Todd, early thirties, enters with a package in expensive
gift wrap and a single red rose. His spirits are high.
He carefully arranges the package on the mattress and
lays the rose across the right- hand pillow.
He picks up Shelly's tape player and puts it in a drawer,
then begins tidying the room.
He puts the cosmetics into a dresser drawer, tosses the
soiled garments into the closet and closes the door
quietly behind them.
After giving the room a final visual inspection, he
departs.
From the bathroom, the shower stops and Shelly emerges at
the door, drying herself with a towel.
SHELLY
Todd? Is that you?
Noticing the package, she approaches the bed and sits on
the mattress to inspect it.
As she opens her present, she notices the rose and picks
it up to sniff it. She smiles and lays the rose on the
night stand.
Returning to the package she opens it to find a sexy, but
elegant nightie.
Smiling, she collects the box and rose and heads toward
the bathroom.
Todd returns with a chilled bottle of champagne and two
flutes, which he carefully arranges on the night stand.
Noticing the missing gifts, he begins undressing,
carefully putting away the items from his pockets and
arranging his suit among the other suits in the closet.
Reaching his shorts, he dims the lights and turns to find
Shelly framed in the bathroom doorway, dressed in her new
nightie and holding the rose to her lips.
SHELLY
Tell me, sailor, are you looking
for a good time?
Todd pauses to gaze at Shelly appreciatively.
TODD
My shipmates told me I might
indulge in some unusual pleasures
here. They said I should ask for a
girl named Shelly.
SHELLY
Shelly is in great demand. She has
many, many fans. Devoted fans.
TODD
I will reward her generously for a
few hours of her time.
Shelly walks toward Todd with deliberately seductive
movements.
SHELLY
And just how generous are you
prepared to be?
Shelly slithers up to Todd and kisses him, then steps
away and pirouettes, displaying her new nightie, then
leaps onto the mattress, patting the left-hand side,
inviting Todd to join her.
SHELLY
So, what's the occasion?
Todd sits on the edge of the mattress and begins
uncorking the champagne.
TODD
Today is the first day of the rest
of our sex life and I thought a
celebration was in order.
SHELLY
You're crazy. But, I love you.
Todd hands her a glass of champagne, which Shelly
accepts, kissing him on the cheek and sipping it before
noticing his silent toast.
TODD
No, really. Tonight I am going to
make love to you like we've never
made love before.
SHELLY
Todd, I've tried it and it hurts.
TODD
I'm not talking about that. I'm
talking about making love like
making love is supposed to be.
Todd yanks open the drawer to his night stand and pulls
out three open boxes of prophylactics.
TODD
I'm talking about taking these
damn things and tossing them out
of our love life.
So saying, Todd carries the boxes to the window and
tosses them out onto the street below, watching them fall
with a satisfied grin.
He returns to the bed and closes the drawer, noticing a
single rubber remains.
TODD
Ooops, missed one.
So saying, he ceremoniously tears open the foil, removes
the rubber and inflates it like a balloon.
Holding it aloft like a magician about to perform a bit
of prestidigitation, he carries it to the window and
releases it like a toy rocket.
SHELLY
Alright, I'm game. What did you
get?
TODD
What do you mean?
SHELLY
Let's see it. You probably got
something really kinky like
fluorescent orange, glow in the
dark, ribbed French ticklers.
TODD
No, you don't understand. I'm
proposing we commit to only truly
safe approach to sex: a strictly
monogamous relationship. And for
my part, I've had a complete
checkup and I have absolutely no
sexually transmitted diseases.
SHELLY
Are you suggesting we stop using
condoms all together?
TODD
That's part of the idea.
SHELLY
I think I liked your butt fucking
idea better.
TODD
We can try that, too. Whatever you
want.
SHELLY
I would really feel a lot more
comfortable if we continued to use
condoms.
TODD
And I might actually start to feel
something if we stopped. Didn't
you tell me just last night you
wished we didn't have to use
condoms?
SHELLY
I said that because we have to use
them.
TODD
But why? I'm the personification
of safe sex. I have a licence to
fuck in any language.
SHELLY
But that licence is only valid
until your next sexual encounter
... or mine.
TODD
But if all my encounters are with
you and all your encounters are
with me, what's the problem?
SHELLY
I agreed to live with you. I never
agreed to marry you.
TODD
Are you involved with somebody
else? Shelly turns away.
SHELLY
Ooooh, you are impossible!
TODD
Well, are you?
Shelly turns back to Todd and takes his face in her
hands.
SHELLY
Yeah, I'm involved with somebody
kind and considerate, who treats
me as an equal partner and talks
things over and doesn't just
spring things on me.
TODD
What the hell have we been talking
about all week?
SHELLY
Obviously, not the same thing. I
never said I wanted to stop using
rubbers. With all the diseases
going around, we can't take the
risk.
Todd rises in agitation, then turns toward Shelly.
TODD
Do you have some infection you
haven't told me about?
SHELLY
No, of course not.
TODD
Well, if you don't have anything
and I don't have anything, how the
hell are we going to infect each
other?
SHELLY
That's not my only worry.
TODD
What is your only worry?
Contraception? You know I had a
vasectomy four years ago. Which
raises another question, why are
you still on the pill?
SHELLY
That is a private matter and none
of your business.
TODD
Oh, right. Your choice of the pill
is private, but my use of rubbers
is a committee decision.
Shelly stands up to face off with Todd.
SHELLY
God damn it, we aren't discussing
contraception, we're talking about
sexually transmitted diseases like
AIDS, syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes
...
TODD
Cut the crap. We're talking about
something more serious than V.D.
We're talking commitments. We've
lived together for nearly a year.
Don't you think it's time to make
a commitment to this relationship?
SHELLY
I'm committed to our relationship.
I'm just not committed to the
relationship you want to tie me
to.
Shelly turns away in tears. Todd comes beside her, wraps
an arm around her shoulder and begins to nuzzle and kiss
her neck.
TODD
I'm sorry. I don't want to fight.
Still friends?
Shelly turns to Todd and nods her assent. Wiping her
eyes, she laughs in embarrassment and wraps her arms
around his neck. They kiss tenderly.
SHELLY
Could we just make love and talk
about this some other time?
TODD
I tossed out all my rubbers.
SHELLY
It's alright. I've got one in my
purse. I've saved it for a special
occasion, like tonight.
Todd watches her retrieve her purse from the night stand
and fish out a foil-wrapped condom. Shelly offers it to
him sheepishly, her eyes still red from her tears.
TODD
And what are you doing with
condoms?
SHELLY
Must you? Look, I don't have
condoms, I have one lousy condom.
I've carried a condom in my purse since I was seventeen,
just in case.
TODD
In case of what? This condom is
brand new. It hasn't been in your
purse since you were seventeen.
SHELLY
Must you spoil the entire evening?
TODD
It hasn't even been in your purse
since you've known me. It's not
even my brand.
SHELLY
Maybe they didn't have your brand.
Shelly pours herself another glass of champagne and takes
a healthy sip.
TODD
What happened to the condom you
had in your purse when you met me?
SHELLY
What do you think happened to it?
I met somebody on the bus and he
fucked me in the ass with it. It's
none of your damn business what
happened to it.
TODD
How many men have you slept with
since you've lived here?
SHELLY
Men? Or do you want to know about
the women also?
TODD
How many lovers have you had?
SHELLY
In the past year, since meeting
you?
TODD
Alright, for a start.
SHELLY
Only one.
TODD
Who was it?
Shelly sits on the bed, tired.
SHELLY
It was you, you idiot. You've been
the only one I've slept with, the
only one I've kissed, the only one
I've wanted.
TODD
Really?
SHELLY
Really, truly, honestly. Now, will
you calm down and come to bed?
TODD
Do you still want to? Shelly
smiles weakly.
SHELLY
Could we just cuddle for a while?
TODD
Sure. Whatever you want.
Todd climbs into bed and takes Shelly in his arms. They
relax for a moment.
TODD
What did happen to your condom?
SHELLY
You're impossible.
TODD
Hey, I was just curious.
SHELLY
We used it when we went hiking in
Malibu Creek, remember? And you
got stung in the butt by a bee?
TODD
It just goes to show, you can't
protect yourself against
everything.
SHELLY
Then I had one of yours in my
purse for months until last week
when I went for an audition.
Shelly sits up and freshens her glass of wine.
TODD
I don't know if I like the sound
of this.
SHELLY
No, it's funny. I get there and
the special effects guy is running
around frantically, looking for a
rubber and everybody is offering
him all sizes and shapes and
colors, but nobody has what he
needs, except me. So I let him
have mine, well, yours, and the
producer sent somebody out to buy
me a new one.
TODD
What type of movie were you
auditioning for?
Shelly sips her wine and thinks for a moment,
recollecting.
SHELLY
I think they called it Revenge of
the Catholic High School Teenage
Zombie Cheerleaders from Beyond
Infinity. Todd looks at Shelly
with incredulity. No, it was an
old fashioned western. They use
condoms for blood bags when they
don't want to use squibs.
TODD
So, they've finally found
something the damn things are good
for. If you can't use them for
sex, use them for violence.
SHELLY
Come on, you've managed alright
for the past year.
TODD
Managed? As in employing resources
effectively to achieve a
predefined objective; or as in
muddling through despite oneself?
SHELLY
It hasn't been that bad, has it?
TODD
Sweetheart, it hasn't been that
good. In the words of that noted
twentieth century commentator and
philosopher, Woody Allen, sex is
dirty, if you do it right. Sex is
supposed to be sweaty and sticky,
not immaculate and antiseptic.
SHELLY
You're one to talk about getting
down and dirty. I can't even leave
a sweater on my chair without you
sending it out to be dry cleaned.
TODD
I just like things tidy.
SHELLY
Except when it comes to sex. Then
you want to drench the sheets in
sweat and splash the walls with
seminal fluids.
TODD
Sounds good to me. I love it when
you talk dirty. In fact I think
I'm getting excited right now.
Shelly turns toward Todd teasingly.
SHELLY
I still have that condom.
Todd lifts the sheet and addresses his penis.
TODD
What do you say, old buddy? Are
you ready to suit up?
(squeaky) voice)
Don't make me wear one of those
things. They're too tight and I
can't breathe.
(normal) voice)
Sorry, good buddy, she's afraid
you might try to splash some
sticky stuff on her. Shelly shoves
Todd's shoulder.
SHELLY
Cut that out.
Todd sits up again and addresses his penis.
TODD
(squeaky) voice)
No, we can't have that. Better for
me to squirt it against an
impenetrable barrier about a tenth
of a millimeter from my face. Then
I can just hang around and drown
myself in it until you have time
to go to the bathroom and flush my
best work down the toilet.
Shelly begins tickling Todd, then kisses his chest,
progressing toward his abdomen as she speaks.
SHELLY
Perhaps I should have a word with
your impertinent little friend.
I'll bet if I ask him nicely,
he'll beg you to put that awful
old rubber thing over him.
TODD
See? Even you admit they're
awful. Can't we go without just
once?
Shelly abandons her trail of kisses at Todd's navel.
SHELLY
I don't think that would be a very
good idea.
TODD
Have you ever made love without a
condom?
SHELLY
AIDS and herpes were already big
worries by my first night.
TODD
So you've never actually felt a
man inside of you.
SHELLY
Todd, our sex life has been great.
I have no complaints.
TODD
But it could be so much better.
I'm not complaining. At least, not
exactly complaining, but do you
realize we've only made love twice
twice? I mean, there's only been
two nights in the past year we've
made love twice.
SHELLY
We can make love twice or three
times or five times or as many
times as you want. Just buy enough
rubbers.
TODD
That's the thing. With rubbers if
you make love twice, you need two
rubbers. You have to stop and
cuddle for a moment, then go and
flush it and sponge off and by
then you're no longer excited and
then you get back and your partner
is already half asleep and by then
you're completely limp and you
need a little while to rest, by
which time one or both of you is
asleep and it just doesn't happen.
Shelly resumes her assault on
Todd's navel.
SHELLY
Then we can make love in the
morning.
TODD
My last girlfriend didn't insist
on using rubbers, and lots of
times we would just keep going.
SHELLY
What, you just kept pumping away
with all that sticky stuff
sloshing about?
TODD
Sometimes. Or I might pull out
before orgasm or we might try
different variations.
Shelly tosses herself back against her pillow in
exasperation.
SHELLY
Again with the sodomy! You really
have an anal fixation, do you know
that?
TODD
Maybe I'm just a little more
adventurous. Maybe you could be a
little more adventurous too.
SHELLY
I'm getting the distinct
impression you are not happy with
our sex life.
TODD
Shelly, you are the best thing
that has ever happened to a
miserable slob like me. I want to
be with you always. I'm ready to
swear never to look at another
woman. Let's get married.
SHELLY
I'm not ready for marriage. I have
to consider my career.
TODD
What's your career got to do with
it? Are you afraid you won't get
parts if directors and producers
think you aren't available?
Shelly sits up and pours another drink.
SHELLY
That's cruel and unfair.
TODD
Is it? When you offered that
producer one of my condoms, did it
maybe cross your mind what he
might think about a single girl
who carries rubbers around? Was
that your subtle way of saying
"I'm available"?
Shelly abruptly slaps Todd and gets out of the bed.
SHELLY
If you're so suspicious, why do
you want to marry me? Or do you
really want to marry me or is it
just an elaborate scheme to avoid
using rubbers?
TODD
You'd probably insist on using
rubbers even if we were married,
because you're afraid to let
anybody really touch you.
Shelly storms to the closet and hurriedly begins changing
to a sweater and jeans.
SHELLY
If it's quite alright, I would
prefer not to spend this evening
here with you.
Grabbing her purse, Shelly tosses the nightie in Todd's
face and storms toward the door. Todd retaliates by
tossing the rubber after her.
TODD
Don't forget your rubber, just in
case.
SHELLY
Why must you be such a prick? I'm
not interested in casual affairs.
I love you, but I may not always
love you. If I meet somebody else,
I want to be free to explore that
relationship without risking or
discarding what we have. I'm
twenty one. You're my third lover.
How can you expect me to make a
lifetime commitment?
TODD
Stay with me tonight.
Shelly walks to Todd's bedside and kisses him
affectionately on the lips.
SHELLY
You want a woman who is both a
wife and a whore. I'm neither.
Shelly turns and walks away without looking back.
FADE OUT.
THE END |
