FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM
A comfortable beach house built fifty years earlier.
LUCY, a Siberian husky, dozes in a patch of sunlight.
MINNIE, 50s, prim and elegant, dusts a collection of
framed images from the sixties showing a perky teenager
in various scenes with entertainers.
BUNNY, Yorkshire terrier, sits among the picture frames.
Minnie takes a special moment to adjust the frame of a
picture showing the young girl embracing a young man with
a guitar, then takes Bunny and leaves.
JUSTIN, 20s, attractive girl-next-door, in a red bikini,
enters from beach with her fingers plugging her ears.
JUSTIN
I don't want to hear about it, I
don't want to talk about it and I
don't want to do it.
SANDY, who could easily be Justin's sister, enters
wearing an identically fashioned bikini in blue.
SANDY
It'll be fun.
JUSTIN
No, no, no!
SANDY
At least think about it. I don't
want to do this alone.
JUSTIN
The last time I thought about it,
we wound up driving half way to
Nevada to audition for some piece
of cinematic tripe called
Switchblade Sluts.
SANDY
Okay, that was a mistake. I admit
it. I goofed. But at least we
tried.
JUSTIN
The director was fourteen years
old. What business has a kid like
that playing with switchblades?
SANDY
Still, he was kind of cute ...
Justin looks at Sandy, aghast.
SANDY
... for a kid.
JUSTIN
You should check these things out
before we drive all over the
countryside.
SANDY
Then you'll do it?
JUSTIN
This is the absolutely last time.
GINO (O.S.)
(shouting)
We're losing the light.
SANDY
You go ahead. There's barely room
in there for one.
Justin goes down the hall toward the bathroom. TOMIKO,
26, wanders in reading Romeo and Juliet with considerably
more enthusiasm than dramatic insight.
TOMIKO
How camest thou hither, tell me,
and wherefore?
SANDY
Did you say something?
TOMIKO
No, I was just doing lines.
SANDY
Don't let Minnie catch you.
(beat)
Hi, I'm Sandy.
Sandy extends a hand in greeting which TOMIKO disdains.
TOMIKO
A quick shower should take care of
that.
SANDY
I'll go see if the bathroom is
free.
Sandy leaves. TOMIKO resumes her butchery of the bard.
TOMIKO
The orchard walls are high and
hard to climb, and the place
death, considering who thou art
...
Justin returns in a different bikini, combing her hair.
JUSTIN
Can we wear the red suits next,
Gino?
TOMIKO
Thou knowest the mask of night is
on my face; else would a maiden
blush bepaint my cheek.
GINO, mid-30's, enters. a camera around his neck and
holding a light meter.
GINO
(shouting)
We're losing the light, people!
I've got three more outfits to
shoot and then the mermaid shot.
Nearly colliding with TOMIKO, Gino tilts up the play she
holds to read the cover.
TOMIKO
I'm trying out for the part of
Juliet.
GINO
You're obviously not reluctant to
bring entirely new dimensions to
the role.
TOMIKO
Do you think I should read it with
more of an Italian accent?
Caught off guard, Gino struggles for a diplomatic reply.
GINO
Do the stage directions call for
an Italian accent?
TOMIKO frowns and flips through the pages of the script.
Justin returns adjusting the top of her bikini.
JUSTIN
I really think this suit brings
out the color of my eyes.
Tomiko gives her a disdainfully appraising look.
TOMIKO
It almost brings out the color of
your nipples.
Justin gives Tomiko an icy stare.
JUSTIN
Thanks.
GINO
What are you doing in that suit?
JUSTIN
I think we should shoot these
suits next.
GINO
Malibu Bikini doesn't carry that
line.
JUSTIN
Well, they should. It's really
cute. And I think it looks great
on me.
Justin does a quick pirouette, modelling the suit.
GINO
But they're the client. They're
paying for these shots.
Sandy enters, dripping wet from her shower, a towel
wrapped around her, clutching a bikini top.
SANDY (O.S.)
Gino, you know I can't wear a
small top.
JUSTIN
Could we do a couple of pictures
in this suit, just for my
portfolio?
GINO
You don't even have a portfolio,
Justin.
JUSTIN
If I had some pictures in this
suit, I might start one.
Minnie hustles in carrying a soft black case.
MINNIE
I'm leaving now. I'll be back on
Tuesday.
I straightened out your towels for
you so they're all folded the same
way. Look after Lucy while I'm
gone and ...
Minnie notices Justin's sand encrusted feet.
MINNIE
you're tracking sand all over the
carpet I just vacuumed.
Minnie retrieves an upright vacuum cleaner and begins
sweeping the carpet, shooing everybody out of her way.
SANDY
I'm not tracking any sand. I just
showered.
MINNIE
No, but you're dripping water.
Here, you vacuum while I find a
towel.
Minnie presses the vacuum cleaner onto Sandy.
GINO
(to Justin)
My landlady, Minnie.
MINNIE
Landlady?
GINO
Landlady, roommate, surrogate
mother ...
MINNIE
... friend? What about friend. I'm
the best friend you could possibly
have. Gino gives Minnie a quick
hug.
GINO
Bosom buddy, confidant ...
(sotto voce)
Marine Corps drill sergeant.
MINNIE
As if you didn't need it.
(to Justin)
You should have seen him when he
first moved in. But he's getting
better. The way he acts, dresses.
Minnie straightens Gino's collar.
GINO
My mommy used to dress me funny.
Now Minnie dresses me funny.
MINNIE
There is nothing wrong with
dressing nicely and nothing wrong
with keeping my home neat. I don't
want my living room to start
looking like your room. Gino
coaxes Minnie toward the door.
GINO
Minnie, it's under control. It may
not look that way, but it really
is. I'll vacuum up all the sand,
but I have a lot of work to do and
we need to shoot now before I lose
the light.
Gino prods Sandy and Justin toward the bathroom.
GINO
And I need the two of you in the
suits they're paying me to shoot,
while we still have a little
daylight.
MINNIE
Okay, but I'm leaving you in
charge. Ask your models to spray
off their feet before they track
sand all over the carpet.
Minnie beckons Gino toward her. When he gets close, she
grabs his earlobe and shoves his nose into the carpet
like an errant puppy.
MINNIE
Do you see this carpet? It's
perfectly clean because I just
spent two hours vacuuming. It is
cleaner today than it was when
they installed it. Carpets don't
get any cleaner than this and I
expect it to be just as clean when
I return.
Minnie releases Gino and retrieves her black bag.
MINNIE
I'm taking Bunny with me. Make
sure Lucy has plenty of water and
I'll see you in three days. I
expect this house to be spotless
when I return.
Minnie gives Gino a peck on the cheek and leaves.
TOMIKO
Ciao, signora. Arrivederci. Justin
approaches Gino eagerly.
JUSTIN
I'd really like to get a couple of
shots in this bikini.
GINO
Next time.
Sandy pulls a reluctant Justin toward the bathroom.
TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
Oh, swear not by the moon, the
inconstant moon, that monthly
changes in her circled orb, lest
that thy love prove likewise
variable.
RANDALL, 60s, silver-haired former matinee idol, slips in
stealthily. He raises a cautionary finger to his lips
requesting silence, and steals to the hallway.
He peers down the hall, listens intently, sniffs the
air. Apparently satisfied, he shakes it off and
straightens.
RANDALL
Has she left?
GINO
Only moments ago.
RANDALL
I need to do a little work and I
wouldn't want to disturb her
unnecessarily.
Randall strides toward the door with newly discovered
confidence and admits DIRECTOR, CAMERAMAN with Arriflex,
SCRIPT SUPERVISOR, MAKEUP ARTIST and GAFFER.
Bringing up the rear are two dramatically endowed hard
bodied blondes, BAMBI and CANDI.
Sandy and Justin return in coordinated suits. Randall
leads the group toward the deck.
RANDALL
This way.
JUSTIN
What's all the excitement?
GINO
Randall, Minnie's husband ... ex
husband. He lives downstairs.
JUSTIN
Her ex-husband lives downstairs?
GINO
This place is like Shangri-la.
Once you come here, you can never
leave, else you become old and
decrepit.
JUSTIN
So when did you leave?
GINO
I'll remember that.
Bambi and Candi linger to talk to Sandy.
BAMBI
I'm Bambi and this is my sister
Candi. Are you going to be in the
picture too?
SANDY
What picture would that be?
BAMBI
Malibu Surf Sisters.
SANDY
Catchy title.
CANDI
It's for the Playboy channel.
TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
It is an honor that I dream not
of.
GINO
She's rehearsing for Romeo and
Juliet.
BAMBI
Wasn't that an English play?
Randall bursts back in, bristling with enthusiasm and
embraces Candi and Bambi.
RANDALL
Have you ever seen two more
charming, delightful, poised young
ladies? And they're sisters!
I just can't believe so much
beauty and pulchritude and
femininity would be found in a
single family.
GINO
Certainly not in my family. We
were all pulchritude challenged.
RANDALL
The director is a good friend of
mine and I told him he could use
the place as a location for his
new production, Surf Sirens of
Malibu.
CANDI
I thought it was Malibu Surf
Sisters.
RANDALL
And so it shall be. Ladies,
stardom awaits.
Randall bustles Candi and Bambi toward the deck.
GINO
Good thing he arranged this while
Minnie's out of town.
TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
Amazing how that worked out.
GINO
Work on the accent.
TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
But to be frank and give it thee
again. And yet I wish but for the
thing I have.
As TOMIKO exits, Gino clasps his hands in enthusiasm.
GINO
Let's get to it.
SANDY
We can't shoot now.
JUSTIN
No way. Not with all those people
running around the beach.
GINO
We'll just go down the beach a few
houses. They won't even see us.
SANDY
I think we should break and go get
some sushi.
JUSTIN
That sounds good.
GINO
We've only shot two rolls of film
and you want me to buy you sushi?
SANDY
Of course. Two Kodak rolls ought
to be good for a couple of
California rolls.
JUSTIN
And some maguro, a little hamachi
...
SANDY
... hirami, anago ...
GINO
Masago with quail's egg? Sandy and
Justin wrinkle their noses.
SANDY
No way!
JUSTIN
Then you'll take us?
GINO
What happened to the Puritan work
ethic?
SANDY
Of course he'll take us. He's just
being a meanie.
Sandy leads Justin toward the bathroom.
GINO
Can we at least schedule a time to
finish this project?
DAVID, 29, enthusiastically neurotic, makes a beeline for
Gino, his eyes fixed on the exiting girls.
DAVID
You didn't tell me you were going
to have babes over today. You
never said anything. Not a single
word.
GINO
Funny how that works out.
DAVID
So what? Were you shooting on the
beach?
GINO
That might explain the bikinis.
DAVID
Did Sandy get naked?
GINO
What do you think?
DAVID
Sandy naked? I can't believe it.
Sandy never gets naked and she has
the most perfect body. It's like a
Greek statue except hers is all
flesh and bones. Better than a
Greek statue, with goose bumps and
everything.
GINO
The water was a little cold.
David shivers in empathy, his imagination running wild.
DAVID
So, you need somebody to hold
reflectors or something? I could
stand around with a towel in case
they get wet. Or if you want them
wet, I could spray them with a
squirt bottle.
GINO
I think we're calling it a wrap.
Too many pedestrians.
Candi and Bambi hurry in giggling, pulling off their
tops. David watches, mouth agape.
DAVID
Did you see that ... I mean those?
GINO
Bambi and Candi.
DAVID
How many babes have you got here?
GINO
Those are Randy's, not mine.
They're shooting a Playboy video
out back.
David heads for the deck with nervous, agitated motions.
DAVID
So are there more babes back
there?
GINO
No, I think Bambi and Candi are
the entire cast.
DAVID
Oh wow, too bad. Still with Bambi
and Candi, what more do you need.
I mean, they're fantastic! Did you
see those bodies? And those, those
...
GINO
Breasts?
DAVID
Yeah. I mean they really had a
pair. Or two pair. But you've got
a full house. Still, it would be
nice to have a redhead also. I
mean blondes are nice, but maybe
just one redhead for variety. Then
you'd have four blondes and a
redhead.
GINO
Sandy and Justin aren't part of
the Playboy video.
DAVID
But they should be. Man did you
see those two? Those four? Those
eight. I mean wow. If you only had
a redhead, then there'd be ten and
you'd really have a full house. Or
four of a kind and a joker. Five
of a kind. What does five of a
kind beat?
GINO
I don't know. I never play with
jokers.
DAVID
Oh I do. I always do now. Ever
since somebody told me I was
losing all the time because I
wasn't playing with a full deck.
So I put the jokers back in.
GINO
I'm not much of a poker player.
DAVID
You should be. You could have a
really great game of strip poker
with those four. Even without a
redhead. Still a redhead would be
nice too. I'm not knocking
redheads.
GINO
Calm down Dave. I think you need a
cold shower.
David makes some agitated gestures toward the bathroom.
DAVID
You think I should? Maybe they
need somebody to wash their backs?
GINO
I don't think so.
DAVID
Everybody has babes here except
for me.
GINO
Funny how that works out.
DAVID
Maybe I should just go and stand
in line.
David heads for the bathroom, but Gino catches him and
spins him around back into the living room.
DAVID
They always pick the wrong days to
call me in for auditions.
GINO
So how did the audition go?
DAVID
It went good. I mean they never
tell you, but I think it went
good.
He had me read lines with this
babe. I think he liked her more
than me.
GINO
That's hard to believe.
DAVID
But it went good. Hey, that's
somebody you should shoot. She was
a real babe. Not anything like
Sandy, though.
Dave pulls Gino off to the side for a quiet man-to-man.
DAVID
So, you think it would be alright
if I kind of hung around here
today?
GINO
Dave, you live here.
DAVID
Yeah, but you know what I mean.
With the babes and all.
GINO
Knock yourself out.
Sandy and Justin return, having changed into summer
dresses.
SANDY
Are you ready?
JUSTIN
A tough day of modelling has left
me hungry.
GINO
Maybe I should take you to the all
you can eat place.
SANDY
No way. After all the work we did,
you have to take us someplace
nice.
GINO
Two rolls of film.
JUSTIN
Yes, but they were good ones.
GINO
I guess I'd better put my camera
away. Gino exits.
DAVID
No more pictures today?
SANDY
Too crowded.
DAVID
You should see if you can get into
the video they're shooting.
JUSTIN
Yeah, right. Did you see those
two? They make me look like a
little boy.
DAVID
No way.
Bambi and Candi walk through wearing the skimpiest
bikinis imaginable.
JUSTIN
See what I mean?
David is fixated.
Sandy waves her hand in front of his eyes.
SANDY
He's in a trance.
DAVID
Kill me now.
JUSTIN
Did you ever wish you could freeze
one moment in time?
DAVID
The one perfect moment ...
SANDY
... which could last an eternity
...
JUSTIN
and you would just be happy?
SANDY
Just living that one moment ...
DAVID
... over and over again ...
JUSTIN
... for all eternity.
David charges off after Bambi and Candi. Minnie returns
carrying Bunny's pet carrying case.
MINNIE
Where's Randall? I cannot believe
this. I get a quarter of a mile
down the road and my car quits.
Minnie hands the case to Sandy.
MINNIE
Here, can you watch Bunny for me?
I have to find Randall.
Minnie heads down the hallway as Gino returns. Sandy and
Justin fawn over Bunny.
GINO
This could prove interesting.
Randall enters, carrying the skimpy bikinis.
SANDY
Minnie is looking for you.
JUSTIN
Her car broke down on PCH.
Randall thrusts the suits into Justin's hands.
RANDALL
Here, pretend these are yours, I'd
better get the camera crew out of
sight before Minnie has a fit.
GINO
What about the girls who were
inside those suits?
RANDALL
Pretend they're yours.
Randall heads back toward the deck. TOMIKO returns.
TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
What say you? Can you love the
gentleman?
JUSTIN
I think that's Lady Capulet's
line. TOMIKO looks at her script.
TOMIKO
Ah, so ...Â
(looking at Justin's
breasts)
... round eyes.
(Italian accent)
I'll look to like if looking
liking move; But no more deep will
I endart mine eye than your
consent gives strength to make it
fly.
GINO
How you gonna keep her down on the
farm once she's seen Paris?
JUSTIN
That was pretty bad, Gino.
SANDY
(cuddling Bunny)
Didn't somebody promise us sushi?
A topless Bambi explodes into the room, chased by Candi,
playfully swinging a cat-o'-nine-tails at her.
GINO
Let's wait a bit. Things are about
to get very interesting.
Minnie enters carrying a portable phone handset.
MINNIE
Does anybody know where Randy is?
He's not answering his telephone.
GINO
I told him your car broke down. He
may have gone to look at it.
MINNIE
(holds up car keys)
Oh, good. I'd better take him the
keys. Minnie heads for the front
door.
JUSTIN
That wasn't exactly true.
GINO
It wasn't exactly false.
DOORBELL. Sandy admits PRODUCTION ASSISTANT wheeling two
huge cases of instant mashed potatoes on a hand cart.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Where they'd set up the snow
machine?
SANDY
Snow machine?
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
There you are. We need you on the
deck.
The Director enters and points the Production Assistant
toward the beach.
JUSTIN
Snow on the beach?
The Director frames Justin with his outstretched palms.
DIRECTOR
Yes, exactly. With this scene I
will convey the duality of life on
the beach, a visual metaphor for
the duality of the relationship
between twins.
The Director wraps arms around Sandy and Justin.
DIRECTOR
The quintessence of the human
condition, the purity of snow
against alabaster skin, the
progression of seasons distilled
through time lapse photography. It
will be the finest expression of
my visual artistry, the mise en
scène which shall define my
creative direction for the next
decade.
The director strides out, totally absorbed in himself.
TOMIKO
(Italian accent)
What devil art thou that dost
torment me thus? This torture
should be roared in dismal hell.
JUSTIN
What's with the accent?
TOMIKO
It's an Italian play.
JUSTIN
Romeo and Juliet is not an Italian
play.
Sandy affects a British accent and aristocratic airs.
SANDY
It's a totally British play about
Italians.
JUSTIN
Anyway, Verona is in the north of
Italy and that accent sounds more
like Rome or even Palermo.
David rushes in excitedly and pulls Gino aside.
DAVID
I cannot believe this. Those two,
those models with the big, the
big, the enormous ... they're
right outside there, on my beach
and they're totally, completely
... they're wearing nothing.
They're on my beach, right out
back, wearing absolutely nothing.
I cannot believe this. Naked
babes, more than babes,
superbabes, on my beach. I mean
here, right here in back. Naked.
Minnie enters from the street.
MINNIE
What's this I hear? You two better
not be naked on our beach. If
you're going to get naked, take it
down the beach a couple of houses
so I don't hear complaints from
the neighbors. Now where is that
Randall? He wasn't at the car.
GINO
Did you check the garage? He may
have stopped for his tools.
MINNIE
I'm giving him another call. Where
did I put my telephone? Will
somebody please call me so I can
find the telephone?
SANDY
Dave, why don't you give Minnie a
call so her phone will ring?
David makes frantic gestures toward the deck.
DAVID
I've got to get back. They were
only breaking for a moment. They
said they would only be a moment
and then they would be right back.
I said I would be there.
Dave beats a hasty retreat to the deck.
SANDY
I'm sure they wouldn't want to
start without you.
Director enters, shoulders and hair dusted with potato
flakes, covering his face in anguish, followed by Randy,
restraining laughter, carrying the cat-o'-nine-tails.
DIRECTOR
All is lost. It is a disaster.
Sandy and Justin look at Randall, shaking his head sadly.
RANDALL
Not a pretty sight. The ocean
spray and potato flakes did not
mix well. All eyes turn toward the
deck.
TOMIKO
(cockney accent)
O God, I have an ill-divining
soul! Methinks I see thee, now
thou art below, as one dead in the
bottom of a tomb. Either my
eyesight fails, or thou lookst
pale.
Bambi and Candi enter, their naked bodies caked with
instant mashed potato mix.
BAMBI
(fighting tears)
You promised I'd be beautiful.
CANDI
Elegant and tasteful.
RANDALL
Did I say tasteful?
CANDI
Your words.
Randall drops the cat-o'-nine-tails on the sofa and opens
his arms to embrace Bambi and Candi. BAMBI Where's the
shower?
CANDI
I need a shower like I've never
needed a shower in my life.
Just as he is about to enfold them in his arms ...Â
MINNIE (O.S.)
Randall!
Randall jerks away as if shocked by a cattle prod.
RANDALL
Uh, oh.
GINO
Sandy, why don't you hustle Bambi
and Candi downstairs. Hose them
off and stick them in Randy's
shower.
Gino and Randy hustle the girls out and turn to see
Minnie enter with her portable telephone handset.
MINNIE
There you are!
RANDALL
Where else would I be, but here
when you need me, former wife and
love of my life?
MINNIE
Thank goodness. My car broke down
and ...
Minnie's fixes on the potato flakes on the carpet.
MINNIE
... what have you done to my
floor? I just vacuumed!
Minnie grabs the vacuum cleaner and begins cleaning as
Lucy, the Siberian husky, enters.
GINO
I was just about to take care of
that. Here, I'll vacuum and you
and Randall can go look at the
car.
Gino tries to wrestle the vacuum cleaner from Minnie.
Lucy sniffs at a clump of mashed potatoes on floor.
MINNIE
What is Lucy sniffing at? What is
that on the floor?
Lucy eats the potatoes.
RANDALL
It must have been crumbs from the
sandwich I ate earlier.
MINNIE
It looked like mashed potatoes.
What are mashed potatoes doing on
my clean carpet?
Randall dangles his car keys enticingly as he gently
steers a recalcitrant Minnie toward the door.
RANDALL
Why don't you take my car and I'll
wait for the auto club?
Candi appears at the door, dripping wet, holding a towel
over her bare bosom. Minnie doesn't see her. Randall
grasps Minnie and turns her away from the door. Candi
gestures toward the cat-o'-nine-tails. Randall inhales
deeply, savoring Minnie's fragrance.
RANDALL
Your perfume.
Candi approaches the sofa. Randall smoothly lowers Minnie
into a tango dip.
RANDALL
It reminds me so of Paris.
As Randall kisses Minnie, he deftly takes the cat-o'-nine
tails and flings it behind him in a high arc. Candi,
clutching the towel in one hand, catches the cat o'-nine
tails and scurries out. Randall and Minnie break apart.
Minnie seems momentarily stunned, then winds up and slugs
Randall in the jaw, sending him reeling.
MINNIE
May I remind you, we are still
divorced.
Minnie fishes a compact from her purse and powders her
nose. Her entire mood and bearing have changed. Now she
is walking on sunshine. Her voice is soft and gentle. She
gives Gino a quick peck on the cheek.
MINNIE
I want that carpet clean when I
return. And don't let Lucy eat
anything but the scientific diet
her vet prescribed. And no nudity
on my beach. David enters from the
deck.
Minnie grabs the empty black bag and leaves. Gino gives
Randall a high five.
GINO
Way to go, dude!
TOMIKO
(cockney accent)
That is no slander, sir, which is
a truth; and what I spake, I spake
it to my face.
Gino pulls David aside.
GINO
Why don't you help Tomiko with her
lines?
Dave becomes agitated, looking about suspiciously.
DAVID
I really can't.
GINO
Dave, you're an actor. This is
Shakespeare, the epitome of
acting, the goal to which all
actors aspire.
DAVID
Yeah, but I'm in the union.
GINO
Great! You can give her some
pointers.
DAVID
But she isn't rehearsing for a
union production. I could get into
serious trouble working on a
nonunion production.
GINO
Dave, you're not going on tour
with her, just helping her prepare
for an audition.
DAVID
Yeah, but they're very strict. You
don't know how hard it is to get
into SAG. It's every actors goal.
And I got in because I was in this
commercial, well, it never aired,
but I was in it, so I became
eligible, so of course I joined
immediately, which also made me
eligible to join AFTRA.
And you don't know how hard some
actors work to try to get in the
unions and I'm already in, even
though I haven't been in anything
yet, not anything that has aired,
but that's the goal of every actor
in Hollywood, to be in the unions.
GINO
I thought your goal was to act. To
entertain people. To bring a
moment of levity to their
otherwise dreary lives.
DAVID
It is? Of course, that's what it
is.
GINO
Dave, you haven't acted in months.
You haven't been cast in anything
since you moved to California a
year ago. Here's your chance to
play Romeo and Friar Lawrence.
DAVID
No, I might get into trouble. You
don't know how strict they are. I
heard about this girl. Somebody in
my acting class knows her brother,
and she did a nonunion job and
they caught her.
GINO
So what happened?
DAVID
It was like one of those, what do
you call it when they sit you down
and shine a bright light in your
face and ask you questions?
GINO
An interrogation?
DAVID
Yeah, right. Only worst.
GINO
Was Torquemada there?
DAVID
Who?
GINO
Tomás de Torquemada, the grand
inquisitor.
DAVID
All the big wigs were there.
GINO
Did she recant? Confess to heresy?
DAVID
They were really strict. They had
her in there for like fifteen
minutes and told her in no
uncertain terms not to ever do it
again or they might have to get
really strict. Really, really
strict.
GINO
Sounds pretty serious.
DAVID
You don't want to mess with the
union.
GINO
What if we don't tell them?
David clamps hand over Gino's mouth, looking furtively in
either direction.
DAVID
(sotto voce)
They have spies everywhere. It
wouldn't do any good.
GINO
Dave, why are you paying them all
that money for dues and initiation
fees?
DAVID
So I can work as an actor. If you
want to work as an actor, you have
to be part of the union.
GINO
But all they're telling you is you
can't work.
DAVID
No, you don't understand. I don't
want to talk about it. I can't do
it. I'll get into trouble.
David beats a hasty retreat. Sandy (cuddling Bunny) and
Justin return. Randall and Director wander back in.
SANDY
They should be ready in a few
minutes. Your makeup artist is
giving them a quick once over, but
the hair could take time.
DIRECTOR
I am ruined! This was to be my
entry ticket into Playboy.
JUSTIN
I thought you said it was for
Playboy.
DIRECTOR
It is, of course. It is for
Playboy to consider.
RANDALL
Well, you're going to have to come
up with something else.
DIRECTOR
I'm out of mashed potatoes anyway.
JUSTIN
Probably a good thing.
GINO
You'd better hurry. There's not
much sunlight left.
DIRECTOR
All is lost. I spent everything I
had to rent the equipment and hire
the crew.
SANDY
I've got an idea! Why don't you do
a mermaid shot?
GINO
Sandy!
JUSTIN
That would be perfect. Then you
wouldn't have to wait for them to
dry their hair.
SANDY
Gino just bought this really nice
fisherman's net with cork floats
and everything.
JUSTIN
We were going to use it for a shot
today ... but then you showed up.
Gino draws Sandy aside.
GINO
I really think I should be the
first to use my brand new net.
SANDY
Oh, it will be fine. You can throw
it in the washer. They're meant to
get wet.
GINO
But he's like the competition.
He's using my beach, my net and my
ideas to get his stuff into
Playboy.
SANDY
He's a guest. You should treat him
nice.
DIRECTOR
Of course, the legend of the
Loreli. Mythic sirens luring
sailors to their doom. The duality
of life on the ocean. Fishermen
casting their nets to trap the
mermaids, while the mermaids
ensnare the fishermen in nets of
desire.
(beat)
But who will be my fisherman? All
turn toward David.
DAVID
You want to cast me in your movie?
With Bambi and Candi, those two
with the big ... the enormous ...
the, the, the talent to go all the
way. Well, not all the way as in
all the way all the way, but all
the way in a nice way. I can't
believe this! Me starring in a
movie with Bambi and Candi. Do you
want to hear a monologue? I'll get
you a copy of my résumé. Do you
want see my reel?
DIRECTOR
Yes, no, no, no. I don't need to
see your reel. I just need to know
can you do it?
DAVID
Is it union?
All shoulders fall and all eyes turn toward Randall who
raises his hands in surrender.
RANDALL
I'd love to help you out, but I
can't do anything without my
agent's approval. All eyes turn
toward Gino who backs away.
GINO
I'm not an actor!
JUSTIN
You don't have to be.
SANDY
You just have to be somebody who's
not in the union.
GINO
No wonder actors are eager to join
the union, so they don't have to
do these things.
JUSTIN
Come on, you'll be great.
GINO
Among the three of us, you're the
two who belong on the Playboy
channel.
SANDY
But you're the one Destiny has
chosen.
GINO
What's my mother going to say when
she sees me on the Playboy
channel?
JUSTIN
Your mother doesn't watch the
Playboy channel.
GINO
You haven't met my mother.
SANDY
Come on, let's see if we can find
something for you to wear.
RANDALL
I've got an old straw hat he could
borrow.
Randall heads off to get his hat. Sandy (with Bunny) and
Justin drag a reluctant Gino out.
TOMIKO
(cockney accent)
Ay, those attires are best; but
gentle nurse, I pray thee leave me
to myself tonight.
DAVID
Wow. Great accent. Did you get a
tape or something? I wish I could
do accents. There are so many
roles which require an accent. I
could be acting right now if I
could do an Australian accent, I
saw this casting notice. I would
have been perfect for it, but they
wanted an accent.
Minnie enters, frantic, holding an empty black bag.
MINNIE
Bunny is missing! I reached over
to pet him and the bag was empty.
DAVID
Oh, no. Sandy has Bunny.
MINNIE
Thank God! I don't know what I
would do if anything happened to
my little Bunny. I named him after
Bugs, you know.
Minnie heads off down hallway, leaving Justin perplexed.
Bambi and Candi enter, wrapped in bath towels.
BAMBI
Has anybody seen our bikinis?
DAVID
Here they are, on the sofa.
They're so small, they're easy to
miss. But not when they're on you,
of course. On you they're hard to
miss. You're hard to miss.
Bambi and Candi each take a bikini, smiling sweetly and
exit.
CANDI
Thank you sugar.
DAVID
Any time.
Sandy (holding Bunny) and Justin enter with a flourish.
SANDY
And as we approach the new resort
wear season ...
JUSTIN
... the well-dressed fisherman
will wear ...
SANDY
... this sporty ensemble by Calvin
Klein ...
JUSTIN
... with accessories by Armani.
Note the stylish designer fishing
net.
Gino enters, wearing white duck jeans, a canvas shirt,
huarache sandals and straw hat, dragging a fishing net.
GINO
Let's just get this over with.
SANDY
Maybe if you catch an albacore,
you won't have to buy us sushi.
JUSTIN
We can make our own. I do a wicked
futomaki.
GINO
Dave, can you get me some
enrollment forms for the union or
something? Minnie returns.
MINNIE
There you are. You naughty,
naughty boy.
GINO
I had absolutely nothing to do
with the mashed potatoes.
MINNIE
I was talking to Bunny.
SANDY
No, he was a darling.
MINNIE
Gino, why are you dressed like
that? I thought you were taking
Sandy and Justin out for sushi.
GINO
We decided to try to catch our
own. Justin makes a wicked
California roll.
MINNIE
Well, be careful what you eat out
of the ocean. And remember,
absolutely no nudity on my beach.
I know everything that goes on
here. You can't get away with
anything without my finding out
about it. Minnie leaves cuddling
Bunny.
Bambi and Candi enter wearing bikini tops fashioned from
sea shells.
BAMBI
What do you think?
SANDY
Very fashionable.
JUSTIN
Very chic.
DAVID
Very, very, very ...
TOMIKO
Very minimalistic.
CANDI
Let's do it!
Candi and Bambi playfully grab edges of the net and
wrapping it around Gino, drag him toward the deck.
DAVID
This I have to see. My roommate
with two superbabes on my beach
for the Playboy channel. I can't
believe it. That could have been
me, if only it was a union
production.
David heads for the deck.
TOMIKO
(cockney accent)
Art thou gone so, my lord, my
love, my friend?
SANDY
What's with all the weird accents?
Is this some experimental theater
thing?
TOMIKO
You said this was a British play.
SANDY
Just deliver the lines normally.
Justin glances at the script and does a very credible
spontaneous reading.
JUSTIN
Like this: Wilt thou be gone? It
is not yet near day. It was the
nightingale, and not the lark,
that pierced the fearful hollow of
thine ear. Nightly she sings on
yond pomegranate tree. Believe me,
love, it was the nightingale.
TOMIKO
That was really good. Where did
you learn to do that?
SANDY
Shakespeare has a rhythm, a flow.
JUSTIN
Never force it.
TOMIKO
Hey thanks.
Tomiko exits.
SANDY
Well, we've got another hour of
sunlight.
JUSTIN
Want to catch some tan?
SANDY
Let's borrow a couple of Gino's
bikinis.
JUSTIN
Why bother? Minnie's not here.
SANDY
But Dave is.
JUSTIN
Right.
Sandy and Justin exit.
INT. RANDALL'S JACUZZI - NIGHT
Candi and Bambi slip out of fluffy towels and climb into
the Jacuzzi, where Randall sits sipping champagne.
BAMBI
Oooh, this is perfect.
Randall hands each a flute which he fills with a
flourish.
RANDALL
Ladies, a toast to a successful
shoot.
CANDI
And we owe it all to you, Randall.
Thanks for your hospitality.
BAMBI
And for introducing us to your
director friend.
CANDI
If only there were some way we
could show our gratitude.
RANDALL
The pleasure of your company is
compensation enough.
BAMBI
You are such a smooth talker,
Randall.
RANDALL
May I also say you both looked
radiant for the camera, but not
half so radiant as you look right
now.
BAMBI
This little voice tells me I had
better be careful with the bubbly
around you..
CANDI
I think I hear it too. Randall
refreshes their champagne.
RANDALL
Whatever you do, don't listen to
it.
INT. SUSHI RESTAURANT
The MAITRE D'HÔTEL greets Gino, Sandy and Justin and
leads them to a table.
MAITRE D'
Are you a movie producer?
Director?
GINO
No, nothing like that.
MAITRE D'
How do get dates with two such
beautiful women?
GINO
Actually they asked me out.
The maitre d'hôtel gives Sandy and Justin a surprised,
appreciative look. They nod in affirmation.
MAITRE D'
If you ladies like Asian men, you
can ask me out anytime.
GINO
I'll bet you're an actor when you
aren't working here.
MAITRE D'
Can you tell? Perhaps you have a
role for an Asian leading man?
GINO
It may be a stretch for you, but
do you think you could act like a
waiter for a while? Because I
really need a tall Sapporo draft.
In fact, can we have tall ones all
around?
MAITRE D'
I'll send your waitress directly.
The maitre d'hôtel bows curtly and leaves.
JUSTIN
You are so very lucky to have such
wonderful roommates.
GINO
Lucky? Is that like saying my
roommates are unfortunate
to be stuck with me?
SANDY
Minnie's a sweetheart and she
really cares about you.
JUSTIN
She even folds your towels.
GINO
My towels were already folded.
Minnie refolded everything to look
like some sort of department store
ad.
JUSTIN
What's wrong with that?
GINO
Now she expects me to keep them
folded.
(beat)
Maybe I'll buy a whole new set of
towels and leave the old ones
folded just the way Minnie likes.
SANDY
You could do a whole lot worst.
GINO
I could have David and Tomiko for
roommates.
SANDY
They seem nice. Maybe a little
eccentric.
GINO
Actors are positively the worst
roommates in the world.
JUSTIN
It can't be any worst than trying
to live with Sandy.
GINO
They never have jobs.
JUSTIN
Same with models.
SANDY
You can't be tied down to a nine
to-five. You need flexibility for
auditions.
GINO
They're hopelessly insecure.
JUSTIN
Sandy spends two hours getting
ready to go to the grocery store.
SANDY
When everybody is watching you all
the time you have to look your
best.
GINO
David spends three hours getting
ready to go to bed.
BEAT
Alone.
SANDY
What would you do without Dave and
Tomiko to make your life more
interesting?
GINO
I'd take the money I spend on
therapy and invest it in the stock
market, become rich, buy my own
place on the beach, and not tell
them where I'd moved.
JUSTIN
I think you secretly like your
roommates, you just won't admit
it.
GINO
Still it's nice to get away.
SANDY
(distantly)
What do wannabe actors do for
money when they're not acting in
commercials?
GINO
Usually they get jobs serving
tables or bartending. Why?
A kimono clad waitress approaches the table carrying a
tray with three beers.
TOMIKO
Hello, I'm Tomiko and I'll be your
waitress tonight.
FADE OUT.
THE END |
